RIP Michael Clarke Duncan

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Turbo: Top 5 shows I wish I watched live


Netflix has really changed my life in terms of television. I’m now able to watch shows I never got a chance to watch live. Which also kind of sucks because lots of them were cancelled due to low viewership. So while some shows didn’t last very long - DAMNIT some of them were good.

Now not all of these are available on Netflix anymore (stupid licensing issues), but you can also find them on DVD. So here are some shows you should check out and wish you too had watched live.



5.  Joss Whedon shows

I have to thank BatSTUD for introducing me to this man’s work. I’m lumping them all together because I never saw any of them while they were on TV. I was introduced via the movie Serenity (which Ryan dragged me to literally kicking and screaming) and I followed up with watching all of Firefly. Next up was the entire series’ of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel. The only one I watched live was Dollhouse. There’s been so much written about each of these shows I don’t think there’s much more I can say that hasn’t already been said. If you have avoided any of these shows because you think the premises’ are a bit ridiculous, then all I have to say is get over it and give them an honest chance. There’s lots of heart and comedy and action. If you’ve seen Avengers, just imagine 15 seasons worth of that same kind of storytelling. The man knows how to tell a story. 

Who is Buffy Summers?



4.  Undeclared

This VERY unknown show was the brainchild of an early Judd Apatow. It stars Jay Baruchel, a young Seth Rogan, and a few others you probably will recognize as Apatow regulars. It’s about the first year of college, living in a dorm, meeting new friends, building relationships, and destroying others. It has all the regular comedy of a Judd Apatow story, and just as much heart. Notice how I like comedy and heart? Well they’re great storytelling devices. This show has a ton of both and the characters are relatable and fun to watch. It has a bunch of great guest directors (Jay Chandrasekhar and John Favreau to name a few) and some fun cameos from people like Will Farrell and Ben Stiller. It’s 14 easy-to-watch episodes you can check out over a lazy weekend.  Do yourself a favor and check them out.

Just another day at school



3.  Deadwood

Deadwood changed the way I watched television forever. It introduced me to HBO original programming, and taught me that television can be intense and mind blowing. It was the first show to ever make me scream at the TV at the end of an episode for the simple insult of ending on a cliff hanger. I was never a big fan of westerns, but this show changed all of that. The language they used was beautiful and managed to make the word “cocksucker” sound elegant. It was also the first time I saw a show in which every character had serious flaws, even the good-natured sheriff played by the amazing Timothy Olyphant. But the clincher for me was the character of Al Swearengen played by Ian McShane. His eloquence and grace as a downright dirty scoundrel running a filthy gambling hall/whorehouse kept bringing me back for more. You can’t find it on Netflix and the DVDs are expensive, however find someone selling them on Ebay or if you have HBOGo you can check it out. There’s been rumors for years of a movie followup, but the more time that passes the less likely that seems. But there is zero disappointment in this show and everyone should give it a shot.

What I would give to be on the receiving end of this cheers!



2. Futurama

OK, I may be cheating here because it’s been brought back on Comedy Central, but I don’t really like rules. I never watched its original run because at the time I was in some pretentious anti-animation phase in my life. Then when it was cancelled I felt justified in not having watched it. However after discovering it on Netflix I realized that I was stupid for having ever dismissed it. It has solid comedy and wonderful characters. Its quality also coincided with The Simpsons' dip in entertainment value, which shows that Matt Groening focused all of his attention on Futurama, attempting to build an audience. Sadly it never got popular and once it hit DVD, much like Family Guy, it became a cash cow for the network and their straight to DVD movies were quite successful. These are all very justified reasons for it having come back because the quality of the show is very high. It’s a light show and easy to watch. It’ll make you laugh and will make sense of the many memes created because of the show. Give it a chance if you never have, you won’t regret it.

It's a meme cuz its true.


1.  Arrested Development

This is the one. The show I hate myself for never having watched. The show I get angry at others for never having watched. My brother and his wife used to berate me for never watching it.  I even read up on it without watching it and stupidly mispronounced the name Gob in front of them when once again confronted for not watching it. How stupid I was. One of the best reviews I ever read about it said “It’s the first show ever made for writers”. If you’ve seen a show recently that delves into the realm of being meta, you have this show to thank for it (in a courtroom scene they ask if anyone is wearing any recording devices, and they cut to a wide shot where the boom pole is CLEARLY in the shot, on purpose). They manage to make incest cute and sweet, and as you watch the show you will see what you will consider cameos from some extremely famous faces, but what you’ll have to remember is that when this show was on the air, these people were absolute nobodies. Narrated by the brilliant Ron Howard (when someone makes fun of Michael Cera for being like “Opie” he cuts in and says “That bitch better watch her mouth”) and led by Jason Bateman and Will Arnett, the cast shines in every episode. Jeffery Tambor plays the patriarch of the family, as well as his identical hippy twin, and at no point have I EVER considered them to be the same person, his performance is so solid. If you haven’t heard, all these years later they are finally going to resurrect the show on Netflix and conclude it with a movie. This show knew what it was doing better than any show I’ve seen. I’m begging you to watch it. You will laugh harder than you’ve ever laughed at a TV show and you will hate yourself as I do for not having ever watched it. It might even encourage you to go out and commit some light treason. Watch it, you can thank me later.

The greatest thing you've never seen.

Total Recall's got boobs!


We can all rest peacefully now.

The Total Recall remake definitely has a scene with a woman that has three boobs! The infamous scene is indeed hinted at during the following trailer. It might be kind of dumb, but it's kind of a big-dumb-fan moment.

The original Total Recall came out 22 years ago and yet there are internet memes about the three-breasted hooker in the movie. So, keeping it in seems like a smart move to me.

Beyond that, the movie looks like a ton of fun to me.



Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Turbo's Review: Rock of Ages




Before I get to the meat of the story, something you all should know about me is that I’m a huge fan of musicals. I can geek out over Andrew Lloyd Weber as well as I can about X-Men. I grew up in a community where musical theater was the absolute norm. I’m also a product of the 80’s. So it should come as no surprise that when I heard there was a musical full of 80’s hair metal music, I was ON BOARD. And Tom Cruise as a burnt out metal singer? Sign me right the fuck up!

It's OK, he only THINKS he's a god.

So needless to say I had some hopes. They weren’t that high because only very few musicals translate well to film, but I still had some faith because it had a pretty strong cast (Tom Cruise, Alec Baldwin, Russell Brand, Paul Giamatti to name only a few) and I knew I would like the songs being sung. What came next was the worst movie-going experience of my life.

That's about right.

It’s hard to tell where to start. How about the positives, because there are very few. Tom Cruise is good.  Not his greatest, but he wasn’t bad. It had some funny moments. I did genuinely laugh at genuinely funny parts. T.J. Miller (Hud in Cloverfield) takes his 45 seconds of screen time and makes it the best 45 seconds of the film. One or two of the songs were done really well. OK. That’s as nice as I can be. Now for the rest:

Our two main characters are of indiscriminate age. They look like 22 year olds playing 17 year olds, but were drinking through the whole movie at bars. Their storylines are pretty basic, both moved to Hollywood to make it huge in the music business and work at a venue bar (Think House of Blues). Tom Cruise’s character got his start there and is playing his final show there. Alec Baldwin runs the bar and Russell Brand is his right hand man. There’s also Catherine Zeta Jones as the mayor’s wife who is trying to prevent Tom Cruise from ever performing again. And some reporter who sleeps with Tom Cruise but writes horrible things about him. Paul Giamatti plays the slimy agent who screws over every person he encounters. And last but CERTAINLY not least, the insanely talented Mary J. Blige as the influential black character. More on her later...

1400 lbs of talent.  3000 lbs of shit.

One of the biggest problems with this movie is that it’s one thing to have 80’s music set in the 80’s. It’s something else entirely to attribute all of these real songs to fictional groups and people! Tom Cruise’s band seemingly wrote all Bon Jovi, AC/DC, Journey and Foreigner songs because they claim them as such. Another problem is the mixture of an actual performance of a band, and the sudden outburst of song in an otherwise normal setting. You can have one or the other, but not both. The first time it happens the audience laughed because they weren’t sure yet what kind of movie we were watching. Was this supposed to be tongue-in-cheek? I gave it 30 minutes and I could see that it was clearly not. I braced for impact.

This was to be taken seriously.

While I said there were some performances that were good, the majority were awful. Fans of musicals need some flair, some flash, some mother fuckin' spirit fingers. Rock lovers need explosions and broken guitars. Instead they were very basic dance moves from everyone involved, and it just looked like they were stumbling over each other in robotic fashion. I laughed more during their dance scenes than I did at the actual comedy, and at no point was it intended.

The theater I was in was understandably mostly women and the few men who were dragged there by their girlfriend (I was in the opposite of that). Women were cheering and clapping and I just couldn’t understand why? This movie has so much hatred for women I couldn’t believe it ever got made. Tom Cruise is constantly draped in women. His entrance is of him in a bed covered in naked women. Women faint when they see him. Then there are the women who HATE his character. They hate him because all they want to do is sleep with him. This is not my interpretation, they make this very, very clear. Anytime the Christian right is shown, it’s via women only, and they’re all a bunch of crazy hypocrites. Every seemingly decent woman on screen essentially gets their souls sucked out by the end.


Slightly worse than this.

But the most intense hatred for women is through our "inspirational black woman" played by Mary J. Blige. When all the chips are down and our leading lady is hitting rock bottom, she meets M.J.B. M.J.B. runs a strip club. The star wants to be a waitress but M.J.B. keeps pushing her to be a stripper. She tells her she needs to be a strong woman who doesn’t take crap from anyone and all that inspiring mumbo jumbo, and that to do that she needs to be a stripper. And when even being a stripper isn’t making her happy (GASP!) she falls back for the leading man and lets him do all the work and rides his coattails through to the closing credits.

I’m happy to say we had free tickets to see it, and the ONLY reason I didn’t walk out halfway through was because I was planning on reviewing it anyway. Don’t pay for it. Don’t download it. Don’t see it. If it’s on TV some day, change the channel. Run far far away from this piece of garbage.


0 / 10 



RIP Nora Ephron

Sadly, Nora Ephron passed away today at the age of 71. She was a brilliant writer and director among a great many other things. So much of her work was about character and romance, love and relationships, intimacy, comedy, and timing. It's hard to get those subjects right. It's even harder to write them extremely well. It's insanely difficult beyond reason to create a script full of dialogue that flows naturally and feels real.

Ephron excelled at this and whether she only wrote it (When Harry Met Sally) or wrote AND directed it (Sleepless in Seattle, Michael, You've Got Mail). She was behind some great flicks and will definitely be missed.

When Harry Met Sally is one of my all-time favorite movies and without a doubt my favorite rom-com. If you haven't seen it, you owe it to yourself to just go out and buy it. It's a classic.


First Alex Cross trailer...


So I've covered before how Tyler Perry is playing the role of Alex Cross in the new movie of the same name.

Well here's our first glimpse at what they've gone and done:




Okaaaay, so it doesn't look too bad. The bad CGI-explosion looks terrible but I'm sure that'll be fixed in post. I'm not sure of the voice Matthew Fox is putting on and I think Perry is forcing a bit too much, that one line about the gates of Hell is sort of nauseating - overall, way better than I expected. I'll need to see more before I pass final judgment, but I don't think it'll be the train wreck it could have been.

Still...we could have had Idris Elba!


Thursday, June 21, 2012

Why I hate Hollywood: A visual representation:


Look carefully at the following link:

Paramount Studio's 100 year anniversary dipshit photo!


There was really no feasible way to post this on the Batcave. If there was I would have done it. So please, if you haven't clicked the link and looked at this obnoxious shit, do so now.

Why does this make me mad?

Well, I find Hollywood to be akin to a spoiled, arrogant, obnoxious, and completely ignorant teenager or child. I WANT to believe that there's something better behind the emerald curtain, but this kind of photo just continues to prove my inclinations and gut reactions that are based on the experiences of a lifetime of interest dedicated to movie making:

THESE PEOPLE ARE MORONS.

The problem with this photo and the problem with Hollywood is that there is zero ownership of any one-given mistake. They seem to find some sort of value out of making money off of a terrible film. They are flaunting their mistakes in our collective face.

Sure, some would argue that when they make millions off of garbage, they have the right to count that as a win.

But here's where they are SO wrong.

First of all, Hollywood execs consider themselves businessmen first and foremost. Let's take the fact that they are working in a somewhat artistic field out of the equation for starters. Furthermore, how about we use an example like Transformers (which is totally appropriate since Paramount fanned my flames tonight). Yes, this franchise has made BILLIONS of dollars. But it's polarized fans across the world, it's more known as Bayformers than Transformers to the internet. And to a world that is vastly more and more about the internet, this definitely MATTERS. Good businessmen should know this. They should know that while they have made billions off of the Transformers movies, they could have possibly made TRILLIONS off of a more faithful storyline and design.

The mere possibility of more money is what is supposed to make a good businessman tick.

NOW, let's add the reality factor back into the equation. These so-called businessmen are working with an artistic product. So, shouldn't they just hire the talent, sit back and market the damn thing appropriately?

Nope.

Instead we get studio influence that has famously ruined too many movies to mention. Again, I feel it goes back to the basics of business, hire good people and let them do their job. If you don't have faith in their product, why did you hire them to begin with? Especially with artists? Shouldn't they be allowed to create?

If you're in bed with artists shouldn't you care about making a good product JUST as much as you care about making money off of it? If not, why are you making movies?

How dare you count a terrible movie with a high gross as a win!

What's the frakking point? Argh, there is none...because the top dog's in Hollywood are morons. I've known this since I was 10, and if there was any doubt, here's my favorite story of a studio frakking up one of the simplest stories ever told:




And then the actor's get to share some guilt. They're so stoic and opinionated about their political beliefs and who they are and what they've done and why they've done it and blah, blah, blah...

Pay them enough money and they will get up on a stage and smile and stand around and hang out with whoever you ask them to. It's the old why I hate Sean Penn number...the dude tries to act distinguished and uses his fame as a tool for his ill-fated political beliefs and - STOP - the guy never graduated High School...who gives a flying fuck what he has to say or think about anything?

So why am I surprised?

I'm not...it's just the sheer audacity of this picture that annoys me.

Like why is Johnny fucking Knoxville in this picture...and better yet, why didn't anyone else in this picture have the balls to ask that question or kick him off the set? Jack Nicholson is supposed to be a badass right? He didn't have a problem with this? It's just so bizarre...and cowardly.

How the hell does Eddie Murphy have the nerve to be in this with that smug look on his face...he's cost the studio tons of money!?

Why is David Lynch on here?

Katie Featherston (Paranormal Activity) is seriously sitting next to Scott Glenn...

Oh and WHY THE FUCK IS JUSTIN BIEBER IN THIS!?

The ONLY cool thing about this photo that I can find is that MOST of the new Star Trek crew is sort of centered around each other...that's IT.

Oh, and Emile Hirsch - cut your hair. You missed the 60's, get over it.

Turbo's Review: Piranha 3DD





Now I’m not one for cheesy horror films, but I was at a friend’s house and he was so that’s how I ended up seeing this… uh… gem of a film.  The fourth in the Piranha series, and the first to be filmed entirely in 3D.  The first was directed by the great Joe Dante (Gremlins, Small Soldiers to name a few) in 1978 and the sequel was made by James Cameron (True Lies, Aliens of the Deep for example) in 1981.  Fast forward 30 years and Piranha 3D was released.  Now, I’ve never seen any of them, and not surprisingly, you don’t need to in order to understand Piranha 3DD. 

I can relate to her reaction

Basically David Koechner (Champ Kimes from Anchorman) is the owner/operator of a new adult water park.  Being adult, there’s lots of nudity.  So you get that aplenty.  Lots of young naked boobies.  The water park is somehow saving money by taking water completely unfiltered from a nearby river or something and presto!  Piranhas are now swimming around in the water park.  Oh and it has David Hasselhoff starring as himself.  tIt’s hard to define the main characer because every time you think someone’s going to be one, they die. There are MANY deaths in this movie.  It generally involves two teenagers having some life changing discovery in their lives, only to get brutally murdered by a bunch of fish minutes later.

Rinse, lather, repeat.

That’s not to say everything about it is awful, however.  David Hasselhoff is simply awesome in this movie. He makes fun of himself in every way possible, from mildly reenacting his cheeseburger debacle to running slow motion through the water.  When he encounters a little kid who has zero clue who he is, he even asks if the kid saw the Spongebob movie.
 
"I'm not a lifeguard, I just play one on TV"

One other thing I can say about this movie is it’s one of the few times I’ve ever been made physically sick by something I’ve seen on film.  Let’s just say it involves a guy’s most precious of preciouses and a hungry piranha.  I don’t know about the rest of you, but I just don’t need to see that.  Ever.

And this is where that hungry piranha comes from.

All in all, if you get a bunch of witty friends together and have a few drinks, throw this crap on the TV.  You’ll have some good laughs. 


4 / 10 


BatSTUD sidenote: Damn it's sad to see Ving Rhames doing shit like this.  

Gary Oldman is awesome!


Usually I put a brief synopsis here to get you all warmed up for the following video - NOT NECESSARY.




Seriously, Gary Oldman is the shit.

I remember having a hard time understanding the guy when I was a kid. I don't mean verbally - I mean, he was all over the place as an actor. One minute he's this weird/romantic/awesome Dracula then he's a druggie in True Romance only to go really weird in the Fifth Element. As I got older (MORE SOPHISTICATED - thank you, very much), I realized the man was brilliant and could do anything...but also a funny thing started happening - instead of always being cast in oddball roles and rising to the occasion, he started getting appropriately cast. He was/is the PERFECT Jim Gordon and Sirius Black. How did that happen!? Geek luck? Who knows?

This video? Shows his funny bone.

Awesomesauce.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Game of Thrones rap = Good rap


Make no mistake, I love music. I love country, blues, rock, reggae, soul, pop, classical, showtunes, punk, grunge, metal, 60's, 70's, 80's, you name it. With one caveat - I LOATHE rap. Unless we're talking the Will Smith-style rap. I can karaoke Wild Wild West like NOBODY'S BUSINESS.

Of course I have exceptions. I'm very fond of Brother Ali.

BUT, no matter...THIS is my gateway rap song:




The woman I MUST marry keeps the good stuff rolling (notice I didn't throw down a coming joke):


If you don't know who I'm referring to, let me refresh your memory (I know I've seemingly proposed to several women on this website - lets not talk about the women I've proposed to in real life):

The woman I MUST marry...

Well now that we're all caught up, here's one of her latest videos:




As she talks about number seven I was literally thinking YEAR...and then she get's to it.

AWESOME...I'm buying my ticket to the U.K. right NOW. 

I also love the part where she acts out porn set-ups...awesome.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

The Dark Knight Returns - in a big way


The Dark Knight Returns is one of the all-time best comic book stories, and it's without a doubt the best Batman story ever told.

Told by genius storyteller, Frank Miller, this is a story that brings us into the future of Gotham. Bruce Wayne has not been Batman in 10 years and everything has gone to Hell. Waking up from apathy, and donning the suit yet again, this is the story of what it takes to be Batman - what it means to be Batman and how the world handles it. It's a riveting commentary on our world containing rich socio-political themes that are relevant even today (the story was told in 1986). I highly suggest checking it out.

But for now, check out this behind the scenes look at the animated movie that Warner Bros. is putting out this Fall:




I was aware of this movie but had zero faith that it would be any good. Well, all that's been changed having heard from the people that are making the movie. Hell and yes.

And this is why Pixar should make comic book movies:


So Pixar is owned by Disney - And Disney owns Marvel...so in my humble opinion (IMHO), I think Pixar should be making some badass Marvel movies. But until THAT day, someone has come up with the impossible...

What would a Pixar Justice League movie look like?

The Justice League being thoroughly DC - with DC being owned thoroughly by the supremely IDIOTIC Warner Bros. studio - the studio that failed not one but TWO Superman franchises...fucked up a Batman franchise...made horrible Catwoman, Green Lantern, Jonah Hex, Steel, and Supergirl features, failed to realize the promise of an Aquaman pilot (one of the most downloaded ANYTHING of all time), handed the reigns of a Wonder Woman television show to the guy who did Alley McBeal, AND is probably about to wreck the Green Arrow on the CW. NOT to mention that they sit on their thumbs with such an easily sellable property like the Flash.

Argh...just thinking about this shit makes me mad - again, these people call themselves businessmen and are missing out on making TRILLIONS of dollars.

Anyway, without further adieu:




This one shot sells it for me...but if you need more:

Pixar's Justice League

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Men ruin the internet = Men awesome the internet up!


There are too many reasons to count why I enjoy the following video and why it makes me giggle like a little schoolgirl. Yet, for all it's whimsy, I can't help but felt provoked into that of thought by this animated cinematic adventure.

On one hand you could argue that men have ruined the internet...but on the other if all that women have brought to the internet is pinterest, they can keep it...men make the internet awesome - and funny. You be the judge.



Cutest frakkin' thing ever...


So QMX, designer of all things geek have just announced that they are to make Cylon Raiders and Galactica Viper's into almost too cute to believe plushes. Yep, I know just where these are going.


I must have me a Viper fo sho....fo sho.

You can preorder here: QMX

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Monday, June 11, 2012

Prometheus review






Since 1979's Alien, Ridley Scott has been heralded as a brilliant, visionary genius. If Prometheus accomplishes ANYTHING, it's to demonstrate that these notions are all wrong.

Prometheus is a complete and utter mess. Spoilers ahead.

It's heartbreaking because I was extremely excited for this movie and I felt based on the strength of the trailers that there was absolutely no way it would be bad. But it is. It really is.

I saw the film yesterday and took all this time to thoroughly absorb what I thought about it. Because honestly folks, I didn't really know what to think or feel as the credits started to roll. I don't think I've ever watched a movie that made less sense. And it's not even the plot that's annoyingly mysterious, even the characters and aliens/animals are doing things that befuddle the mind.

Let's just start at the beginning and I'll go slow.

The movie opens up with a primordial world that could be Earth but it's never stated for sure (probably is). On a cliff overlooking a waterfall, a large, extremely muscular, bald and bluish human-looking man steps out of a robe while a flying saucer-like ship (that we never see again) floats away. The alien man drinks some black goop and starts to disintegrate, his DNA is broken down and this starts some sort of weird process that is never fully explained but hinted that life will now begin on this planet.




Flash forward 50,000 years. If you've seen the trailer, you get the gist. Two "scientists" (I use the parenthesis here because this film is full of people that claim to be scientists doing extremely unscientific things) discover the same star chart being portrayed in different civilizations over different points in history. The constellation is apparently so far that there was no way they could have even seen it. And there's one moon within the system that can support life. So some people who are supposed to be qualified and a ton that aren't head off to this moon.

Elizabeth Shaw (the main character as played by Noomi Rapace) believes that an alien species engineered humanity and was likely influential in our development and left a way for us to find them when we were ready. She calls them Engineers.

Upon landing on the planet, the group find several Pyramid-like formations and go off to explore. They find a spaceship, relics, and more evidence of alien existence including a bizarre black goop that has significant and mysterious capabilities. And the rest is the movie.

It doesn't sound too horrible, but the reality is that this is a clunky, disjointed piece of work that hops all over the place and when it's not hopping from scene to scene it's taking gigantic leaps over plot holes all the while avoiding logic and common sense. It sets up supposedly highly-intelligent beings (human and alien alike) and then has them doing the most ridiculous and insane things that no one in their right mind would be doing given the situation. Especially if they were some highly evolved alien being.

Hence the massive problem with this movie are the Engineers. Well guess what, the Engineers ARE the movie. It's all about them. They supposedly made us and want us to come find them, but we learn upon landing on the moon that it appears as though they've been mostly wiped out by something that happened 2,000 years ago. When we finally wake up the seemingly sole-surviving Engineer (who's been in stasis for 2,000 years - yeah) he pretty much goes ape shit and tries to kill everyone and then take his ship to Earth to commit global genocide. We're never told why or given the big picture. Sure, we can look back in history and sort of figure out what happened 2,000 years ago that would've pissed off the Engineers - but again, are these the actions of intelligent beings.

This makes sense?




Our creators decided to send down one of their own to sort of make the world more peaceful and such, we crucify him and then you just decide to wipe us all out? Really? And why this sort of weird inclusion of religious themes into the Alien mythos? Some of the movie feels like an attack on Christianity, and while that doesn't necessarily bother me, it feels out of place and forced. Shaw is a devout Christian throughout the film and still a believer in God by the end so in many ways the movie is about faith and belief. That's great...still feels off.

Most of this isn't new. I've been reading about the theory of alien involvement with our early development since I was a kid (WAY before Ancient Aliens was on TV thank you very much) and I'd even heard theories that talked about the possibility of Jesus being an alien. Whether this is fact/fiction or even makes sense can be debated, but within the context of Prometheus it makes ZERO sense.

Consistently, scenes and characters are set-up not for any other reason than because the writer's want something to happen at the end of the scene and clearly have no idea how to go about it. No one has any motivation for doing ANYTHING they do. Or, characters are set-up only to be killed off. They are given no characterization (or shoddy characterization at that) and/or screen time and are then just bumped off at random. But why would you care when you didn't even get the chance to know them? Certain characters clearly WANT something or are on this mission for ulterior motives but we never learn what they are or why the person is a certain way. Things are hinted at and sometimes mentioned, but then the movie veers in a different direction, only to go back to that character, have said character killed off in an either ridiculous or stupid way (I'm looking at you Charlize) and we're supposed to care what drove them?


Shaw can run sidewise - Charlize Theron can't...


It's all so weird and surreal. This is the stuff we cover in screenwriting 101, people - the stuff NOT to do. 

And then there was the black goop. The creme de la creme of inconsistency and bewilderment. The magic, mystical, DNA-altering device that is again, never fully explained. Just a quick run-down:

IF an Engineer swallows the black goop: They disintegrate and can become the building blocks of life.

IF a human swallows the black goop: It does SOMETHING to them, it's unclear. Definitely hurts them, makes them sick, probably kills them and has tentacle-things come out of their eyes. It's unclear.

IF a human gets the black goop on their skin: They die, but come back as a super strong zombie.

IF a worm goes for a swim in the black goop: They transform into something akin to an albino boa constrictor and a proto-facehugger that has acid for blood and wants to murder EVERYONE.

IF a human woman becomes impregnated by a man who has swallowed the black goop: She will give birth to a squid baby that will grow into a squid monster that's sort of like a giant facehugger.

*SIGH*


Here's ANOTHER question, what's the point of the elephant armor?


We've all heard Ridley Scott, Jon Spaihts, and Damon Lindelof (director and screenwriters respectively) go on and on about how Prometheus is full of big ideas. Um, maybe. But the problem is that all of these supposed big ideas are either DUMB or so completely left-open for the viewer to determine that they are ridiculous and contradictory. You cannot have a film so full of deus ex machina and call it high art or intelligent - you're making it up as you go, and guess what, it doesn't make sense.

It's like splashing paint on a canvas and calling it art. Well, some people let that fly...I wouldn't and don't. It's pretentious, arrogant, and talentless. And film just does not work like a painting - I know a lot of filmmakers have spent their lives trying to show that it does, but it doesn't. They are simply not the same things, nor should they be.

Still, this is not an artsy or purely pretentious movie. You can have artsy and pretentious flicks, sure, and I might even like a few of them (although I usually find myself annoyed by pretension) but that's not what this is (Hell, Scott is mostly pandering to the fans throughout most of the film). No, this is just sloppy filmmaking. Bad writing? Abso-fucking-lutely, but why film a bad script? So most of the blame must be placed squarely on Scott's shoulders.

Yet this script is supremely terrible. Honest to God, people, this script should not have seen the light of day. It should have been laughed out of Hollywood and never floated onto the desk of an mega-director. It's laughable that this project got funded.

It reminds me of something that the Red Letter Media guys say in their infamous Phantom Menace review about how people all just jumped at the chance to make a Star Wars movie with Lucas because how could that be bad?

Now I know, there will be plenty of people defending Prometheus because of what it so desperately WANTS to be. The fact is, it just is NOT high art. It's a movie that a four-year old could pick apart. Hell it's a movie with plot holes so big you could drive your mini-van through 'em. And ask yourself, if it's such high art, what's with the pandering to the Alien fans proto-Xenomorph appearance at the end?


Squid baby/monster design and creation...


On a positive note or two the movie has a phenomenal score that I loved and felt was oddly heroic for such a seemingly down trodden film. I mentioned before that it's beautifully shot, and it really is. It's almost worth watching just to see a well designed film if not a brilliantly executed story. The acting is very good with Michael Fassbender putting in a particularly stellar performance as the naive and aloof android David. Snub the film for any awards, but give this man some credit. 

One last thought, this isn't really a prequel to Alien. The only connection that Alien has to Prometheus are the Engineers (aka Space Jockeys to Alien fans). Sure, both have similar threads and themes, but Alien takes place on a different planet with a different Engineer ship that had crashed there several THOUSAND years ago. In Alien, the crew of the Nostromo find an Engineer ship crashed on LV-426 that has thousands of Xenomorph eggs in it's hold. In Prometheus, the crew of the title ship find multiple Engineer ships on LV-223 that seem to hold millions of jars of the black goop.

That means that Xenomorphs have existed LONG before the events of Prometheus, if Scott wanted this movie to be it's own thing (as he's said in interviews) why was it necessary to have hints and nods towards the Xenomorph race?

I mean, I guess if the black goop doesn't destroy it's victims it apparently morphs beings into part of the Xenomorph cycle, that would explain the squid baby/monster and the worms. But what about the space zombie?

Why would the Engineers who left messages for us during a time when they loved us invite us to come to their black goop planet?

How does a human womb and black goop make a giant squid facehugger (complete with multiple beaks)?

Why doesn't the last Engineer ever say anything?

Why are the mutated earthworms so hostile?

Why do the Engineers all look identical?

What are David's (the android) motivations?

Ugh, too many unanswered questions and leaps of logic and faith. That about sums it up in a nutshell. I mean, do you see the work you have to put in to understand this flick? It just doesn't make sense. Take that or leave it.

Maybe I'll like the movie more if a sequel is ever made and some of this stuff is fleshed out, but seeing how Ridley Scott isn't really known for sequels and they don't often make them for R-rated movies that aren't massive hits I think this is probably a long run...so instead I'll probably just get angrier over time that they made such a deep from left field completely wide open movie. 

Further reading that I enjoyed, http://www.toplessrobot.com/2012/06/robs_prometheus_faq.php#more.


4 / 10

New Hobbit Production Video holds big surprise!


I haven't been covering these videos, but I've been watching them. They're highly entertaining and informative. They are production video blogs from the set of the Hobbit. Peter Jackson himself is always highly involved with them and gives great insight into the massive undertaking that is any-kind-of-LOTR-filmmaking.

This newest one has a bit of a spoiler at the end and it's all kinds of fun.

I recommend watching it and going back to watch the ones you've missed.



Saturday, June 9, 2012

Most of us would die if we lived in Westeros


ATTN: YOU ARE NOT TO WATCH THE FOLLOWING VIDEO IF YOU HAVE NOT WATCHED GAME OF THRONES SEASON 2.

That is all the spoiler alert you get. Because, baby, this video spoils a ton. But it also serves to partially show how rip-roaringly awesome this series is. So maybe you should watch it...


Coolest shirt ever?


RIPT Apparel has made the following shirt:




Jeezus effing Christ...not just the coolest shirt ever, but possibly the BEST. SHIRT. EVER.

There are almost no words...but yet, with me there are always SOME words. If you don't understand why this is cool, you have failed as a human being. But this is one of those shirt-a-day sites where there is a limited time to grab the design...alas, we are too late for the shirt above.

I don't know about you, but having looked at some of their other designs:











 - This is a site that just got immediately thrown to the front of the line for my daily routine.

You're welcome.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Counterpoint: Harry Potter Directors



First of all, (and yes, some would argue MOST important of all) I'm Dan Akroyd in this equation and you're Jane Curtin.

Now that's out of the way, on with the show.

Turbo and I tend to agree a lot - with one particularly heavy caveat, he tends to be overly-critical. I know, I know, some would say that I'm the pot calling the kettle black, however I find that I'm usually okay about stuff that he's over-analyzed to death. He'd probably say the same thing about me and then it probably has more to do with personal taste and subject matter. BUT - Harry Potter is this weird part of our dynamic. For one thing, the guy has an encyclopedic knowledge of the source material that I don't have. Don't get me wrong, I love the HP universe (no - not the printers - just stop reading if you thought that was what I was talking about), but Tom takes it to another level. Where I've re-read the novels a few times and re-watched the movies a dozen times, multiply that by 5 and you'll get how insanely awesome and in-depth his knowledge is over the whole 'verse (Firefly reference FTW).

Secondly, and as he covered in his Point article, we vastly disagree on the HP movies. While I'd love to go in-depth about my feelings and thoughts over every installment, this being Counterpoint, I will only talk about the movies Turbo and I disagree on.

Prisoner of Azkaban is without a doubt the best movie in the series. It is a step-up from the previous "kiddie installments" with better, drawn-out performances from the young actor's with a more adult and darker tone. It is highly enjoyable with a quick pace and wildly entertaining visual style. Cuaron is an extremely kinetic director - which I fully appreciate. Fluidity and movement of the camera should be a cornerstone for all filmmakers. Tarantino himself said that he'd quit directing because it was a young man's game - a game of high energy and movement. Photographs are for photographers, cinema is for director's (are you listening David Yates?).

Cuaron also handled the time travel aspect of the story deftly and logically, which few director's (I would argue) could or can.


The previous scene just might be my favorite moment in the entire FILM series (Yates fucked up the pivotal final confrontation with Voldemort in HP7P2 - more on that later). Yes, I know, the Patronus was sort of messed up in Azkaban, but this was remedied later - because it HAD to be, for story purposes - but let's look beyond that. Within this one given scene, between acting, camera work, music, and the appropriate narration of an absolute literal conquering of light over dark we enjoy a profoundly triumphant moment. THIS is filmmaking people. This is why any director is good and this is why Azkaban stands as the best of the series.

At this juncture I'm tempted to rip David Yates a new arsehole. But that wouldn't be fair.  I own his HP movies...I enjoy them for the most part.

Look folks, at the end of the day, we're talking about all around decent, if not, great movies that can only really be harped on by fans of the books. No matter who directed any given film they ALWAYS had great material to work with. Some would argue it would either be their folly or their wisdom to adapt properly or not.

But if you're asking me, or calling me out, my dislike/distaste for David Yates' HP films stems from two factors:

One: They are mostly plodding, slow, dry, and emotionless pieces that just tend to lumber on.

Two: The way Lupin looked as a werewolf is a nitpick, frakking up the final duel and screwing up other such emotionally satisfying and significant scenes are major problems.

These points are really one and I will attack them as such as the following will show:

Google it...many people have noticed that David Yates invested zero life into the HP series. As one person on some forum put it, "he sucked the magic out of it." I completely agree with this. Every emotional moment and pivotal sequence he almost methodically ruins.

His movies are dull and by the numbers. What's odd is that he seems to be zombified (it's a word) in a way towards relentlessly adhering to the book - when it's not important. He will nail stuff that Turbo (nitpicker) cares about, but doesn't really matter. But when it comes to the massively important stuff - he ignores, set's up incorrectly or completely fails at. Yates is decent at foreplay but he can't get you to orgasm...or even close.

Think about it...All the emotionally investing and satisfying segments of the books that are held within the Yates films are devoid of emotion or proper timing (maybe that's it, his pacing sucks). From Dobby's death to even Molly's utterance of, "not my daughter, you bitch", it's just not properly done. It doesn't hit you right. It's always slightly OFF.




Sure, these CATACLYSMIC events are in the movies, but they're not felt. It's all sort of dutiful. Of course some of these moments HAD to be in the movies...usually for story progression, if not, well - the fans would hang the WB executives if they weren't included. Grimauld Place was ripped from MY brain too, but that's because J.K. Rowling wrote such vivacious stories that it was hard to mess these things up. Shouldn't a set designer be praised more for this than Yates? Should Yates be THANKED for things that any director would have done - especially under studio pressure? I don't think so. Especially when everything else sucks and he fails at providing that extra PUSH towards emotional release. Which begs the question, is Yates just going through the motions, as his resume would indicate? A television director that is used to an episode to episode kind of job and pace?

David Yates' final screw-up came with the final duel.

Let me ask you something...what's more interesting this:




OR, what happens in the book:

Voldemort is fighting multiple opponents within the Great Hall (where everyone else is fighting, if you've seen the movie) when Harry reveals that he's alive. Voldemort is immediately scared because he's deathly afraid of...well, death. He's worried now that Harry has something or can do something that he can't do (which has always sort of been his fear) and he's hesitant to attack. The whole Hall shuts down and everyone is just watching as Harry calls Voldemort out for being a complete asshat. They pace around each other, at any moment prepared to strike...Harry even gives Voldemort a chance to surrender, a chance to change, a chance to redeem himself...it's more than he deserves. Because at this point, Harry has the upper hand, he knows it even if the audience doesn't. It's a much more triumphant moment than what Yates gives us: Harry defeating Voldemort with us barely understanding why and without an audience. In the book, when Harry defeats Voldemort, the Hall nearly breaks down with people cheering, laughing, and crying, all in victory...

This is what I'm talking about people. Yates CUTS the heart out of Harry Potter everytime. Even in the moments where we sort of feel something - compare that to the book and WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN...well, then you will feel my pain.  

I can find things to enjoy out of ALL the HP movies, but in the end, Yates' films are obvious and cold. They rely too much on camera filters and seem to have been made by someone who studied the Cliff's Notes versions of the books. Cuaron might have changed some things, but at least it felt like he CARED.

Sidenote: The cast and crew had been making HP movies for over four years by the time Yates came around...a family already existed. He just fucked with it - in a weird pedophile way.





Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Batcave News


So one of my good friends is going to start writing for the cave. In his first article (below) he mostly introduces himself. I'll just add to it that he's a talented writer and will pretty much have free reign to write whatever he wants - unless I don't like it. Haha. I know he'll bring a lot to the table and entertain us all, so keep checking in because I have big things planned, folks.

Also, you'll see that Turbo's first article is a Point / Counterpoint style essay, this will be a recurring series here and I'll be posting my Counterpoint in a day or two.

In the meantime, enjoy:

Point: Harry Potter Directors


Greetings all!  I’m Tom, posting here in the Cave as Turbo.  Ryan and I (sorry, I refuse to refer to him as any kind of “stud”, no matter how studly he may be) have been friends for a few years now, even lived together for a while.  One of the reasons we became such good friends is our love of pop culture and our abilities to geek out over ridiculous shit for hours on end.  Ryan got me into comic books and introduced me to some essential movies I’d somehow managed to miss (Jaws, Aliens, Die Hard, Lethal Weapon…  you get the idea).  Well after watching Ry rock the shit out of this site for a few months now, I realized I couldn’t allow him to hog all the glory for himself.  So after getting him really drunk, I talked him into letting me write for the site as well.  So came my plan for this article.  While Ryan and I agree about 90% of the time, there is still that 10% he and I disagree on entirely (sorry sir, Community is merely “watchable” for me, and yes I’m officially caught up).  One of the things we disagree on is the progression of the Harry Potter film series and the different directors to tackle the project.  So I now proudly present The Batcave’s very first: Point/Counterpoint.

“Ryan, you ignorant slut.”


Let me start by saying, we do agree on three movies.  The first two are clean and accurate adaptations that are entertaining and well directed.  They’re not perfect, but they’re a great start to the series.  Shit, they made me want to finally read the books.  The other we seem to agree on is the fourth movie, Goblet of Fire (GoF).  While it wasn’t packing ALL the heat the book did, it got the most important scene in the movie as right as humanly possible (in fact Ryan and I both applauded at the end of Voldy’s resurrection scene).  That leaves the rest.


“Shit’s about to get real.”

The third movie in the franchise, Prisoner of Azkaban (PoA) was directed by the amazingly talented Alfonzo Cuaron.  Now while I’ve kind of prided myself on being able to separate the movies from the books, this one was so far off the mark, it has become simply painful to watch.  Yes, he brought a darkness to Harry Potter that the first two were lacking, but there were far too many times where it felt forced and unnecessary.  There’s the nameless black kid who shows up twice in the entire movie just to say some creepy line.  Then there are the segway scenes that last about 30 seconds each (5 total in the movie).  I don’t find it entertaining to watch a bird fly over Hogwarts just to get killed by a tree (that somehow moved between the second and third movie).  I guess I just a had a problem with him changing this world that was already established.  Yes, this got remedied over the next few movies as the following directors just rolled with the punches, but at the time of its release, I felt like I was in a different Hogwarts than the one I’d already gotten to know.  They then took the whole Patronus thing and turned it into a “shield”.  We all know Patronuses as animals is particularly important later in the story.  Also, Lupin’s werewolf was so awful I laughed the first time I saw it.

“Is wittle Wupin cold?”

Some people had problems with Michael Gambon’s casting but for me he was a saving grace (“Professor we did it!”  “Did what? Goodbye…”).  He brought out the quirkiness left out by his predecessor.  Combine the two and you have MY Dumbledore.  But I digress.  So those are my major complaints on PoA.  As I said before, Ryan and I agree on GoF and the director there took the mess left behind by Cuaron and combined it with the already established world from the first two movies.  Then we got David Yates.  Here’s where you’ll find Ryan and disagree most.  For me, David Yates SAVED the Harry Potter series.  He had an uphill battle with Order of the Phoenix (OotP) having a new writer and was directing the longest book of the series.  Not to mention he was working with WB which CAN’T be easy.

Yeah, you’ll NEVER see this.

He had new characters to introduce, and old ones to cut.  All I can say is they kept the heart of the story in tact.  Dolores Umbridge was evil and creepy, and Grimauld Place was RIPPED from my brain.  I always felt the battle between Voldemort and Dumbledore was the most important scene in the book.  This was supposed to be the battle between the two greatest wizards alive and it felt like it.  Yes, their wands connected, but in the context of the movies, it was never explained why Harry’s and Voldemort’s wands connected in the prior movie, so the effect was left up for grabs, and I think visually it’s an impressive one that works.  Same goes for the sixth movie.  I always felt it was the weakest book (but still great), and when it came out it was instantly my favorite movie.  David Yates knew he was completing the series at this point and it was the first time it felt like an actual sequel to the previous movie and not just “Another story in the life of Harry Potter”.  He now had the confidence of the studio and the original writer of the movie series back on board.  I know Daniel Radcliffe has said he’s least happy with his own performance (can’t see why, the Felix Felicis scene is one of my absolute favorites of the series due to his performance), but I guess it was just a difficult time in his life (kid was 18, we all suffered at 18, and he was famous, couldn’t have been easier).  I love Half-Blood Prince (HBP) as a movie, it had some action, suspense, romance, and Hermione got wasted drunk in one scene.  I saw respect from the adult actors for the child actors and really let them do their work. 


Surrounded by award winners and the kids hold their own.


Finally the last two movies.  Any faults I find with these last two I can only blame on the studio and in having too many hands in the cookie jar.  This was a huge moment, the final Harry Potter movies (a cash COW), and a lot of ends to tie up.  Deathly Hallows Part 1 (HP7P1) is now my favorite of the movies, even though it’s just half a movie.  It got so much right, the things it got wrong are forgettable.  It was cleverly written and explained all the holes left out previously in the movies.  There were even moments that I felt were BETTER than the book (yup, I went there).  The escape from Privet Drive was spectacular and I like the way Hedwig died in the movie way over the way in the book.  The acting is great and the main trio really brought everything they learned over the previous ten years to the table and gave it their absolute all.  The splinching scene was grotesque and the Harry/Ron breakup was well done.  HP7P2 has the most problems.  My biggest complaint is that it’s not a movie.  It’s half of one.  I knew going into HP7P1 that it would have a cliffhanger, and I was satisfied with the cut’s location.  But P2 picked up literally where the last left off!  It even replayed the final scene of the previous movie just to remind everyone where we left off.  Again, studio thing, not director thing.  He just made one LONG ASS movie (which I’d love to see as a whole).  The second half is fine. Considering the entire movie is essentially one long day, it has a lot to live up to.  It ends differently but in the context of the movie series, it works and makes sense.  To me, someone as powerful as Voldemort, and as evil as he is, would have a more significant death than just falling over dead.  Yes it’s the idea that in the end he was just a man, but I still like that his power exploded out of him basically.  Plus they left in Molly Weasley’s triumphant moment.  Sure there are things I would have liked to see, but I’m happy with what I got.


“Molly Weasely: Mother of 8, housewife, farmer, poor, simple, total badass.


David Yates brought the cast and crew together.  He gave us an obvious family, and gave us some damn good entertainment.  He came into something already established and left his permanent and indelible mark on the series.  What I love even more is that he’s casting these people in his next movie, which just says all sorts of positive things about the actors and the director’s respect for them, and they for him.  I’ve worked in places where the boss changes every couple of months, so it couldn’t have been easy for him to come into this world.  But he stood his own and owned that shit.

So Ryan, please, let us now hear your side of the argument.  And to the readers of the wonderful cave, I hope you enjoyed my first article.  You’ll be hearing from me plenty (I DID see Men in Black 3 and honestly, it’s not horrible.  Maybe Ryan will let me review it for you).  Until next time: