RIP Michael Clarke Duncan

Monday, July 30, 2012

My crazy Die Hard 5 idea...






Die Hard is the best action film ever made.

Hands down. Accept no substitutes. The only film I think that can even come close to it is Aliens. But that's also a science-fiction flick. Die Hard lives and breathes in our world. It's strictly an action movie.

And let's face it, John McClane is an absolute badass. Or is he?

Throughout most of the first film, John (we're on a first name basis) spends a lot of time hiding from the bad guys and actually running away from them. He's just a normal guy. A family man. A regular New York cop who is put in an extraordinary situation. He seemingly doesn't want to fight and/or kill anybody. Towards the end he's sort of embraced the whole shoot first and ask questions later tactic, but it takes most of the movie to push him to this.

I've actually spent long hours trying to convince several different females that Die Hard is a romantic movie at heart...which it truly is. Everything John does in the first film (and the second) is done for his wife. He's trying to save his wife. He get's his feet cut to Hell and jumps off a building all for love. If that's not romantic, I don't know what is?


Just trying to save her!
 

Let's flash forward to now.

Hollywood is somewhere around middle-production on Die Hard 5 with some director attached who is so lackluster, I can't even remember his name or what he's done, nor do I care to take the extra couple minutes to find out. Needless to say the film is supposed to take place in a foreign country and have John dealing with international terrorists.

Ugh...

The problem with the Die Hard franchise is that everyone seems to have lost sight of who John really is. He's become this superhero capable of anything and able to withstand everything. With each installment John get's further from the man he was. We've lost sight of the normal guy that he is. The average Joe just trying to make it in a world that keeps on kicking him.

There's a theory that's been tossed around for a while that I actually subscribe to. It's that Die Hard 2: Die Harder is a sequel to Die Hard. Die Hard with a Vengeance is almost it's own movie and it's own thing with Live Free or Die Hard being a direct sequel to it. If you've seen these movies a few times, you'll know what I mean. But even if you haven't, it's not important because at the end of the day if you've seen Live Free or Die Hard you'll understand how far John has gone from being a normal guy to the all-powerful badass that he is now.

All this leads me to my batshit crazy idea for Die Hard 5. As I was watching the original I kept thinking three things:

1. The isolation of the building plays a HUGE part in why Die Hard is awesome. We need to return to this.

2. Hans Gruber is the fucking MAN, there has to be a way to have Alan Rickman come back (stay with me here).

3. John is scared throughout the entire movie, we are afraid for him. This is definitely something we must return to. Ground him. Bring him back to humanity.

There were other thoughts, like a sidekick isn't really necessary but Al Powell or John's son should also make a return.

Anywho, an idea started forming. And here's the batshit crazy premise for Die Hard 5:

The film would not directly acknowledge events of the previous three movies, nor would it retcon them. Leaving it up to the fans to decide which Die Hard movies are canon. 

In Die Hardly (AKA Die Hard 5) John McClane is back in New York living with his son (who is in the hiring process of the NYPD) in an apartment building. He's still estranged from his wife, Holly, but they are at least talking again and on good terms. Things might actually be looking good for McClane as his family is more or less attached and he's starting to look forward to retirement. Not to mention, Sgt. Al Powell is visiting today and it's been a couple years since the two had a chance to have a beer together. However, Powell isn't the only one coming to dinner...for years, he's kept his presence unknown and waited patiently, quietly. Secretly planning and preparing for this day. The Gruber family has endured too many losses at the hand of this dumb, Irish flat foot and now is the time for revenge. Almost no one was aware that Hans Gruber was a twin and that Victor Gruber (as played by Alan Rickman), his brother has longed for nothing else but the death of John McClane and everyone he holds dear. That's why Victor and a group of freelance mercenaries are deploying upon John's Brooklyn apartment building, locking it down and holding everyone inside hostage, aiming to not only make money off of the attack, but send a message of terror and hate. For while Hans Gruber may have just been a sensational heist man, Victor Gruber is a BELIEVER. He's spent years in prison abroad for various vicious terrorist attacks upon London and Paris. To him the Western Allies are the Enemy and nothing personifies this more than John, his family, friends and anyone stupid enough to try and hide him or protect him in the building.

For John, older now, and maybe not in the best shape he's ever been in, outgunned and outmatched, this will be the fight of his life. With the lives of all his neighbors, his best friend, and precious son hanging in the balance. He will have to be cunning and careful. Elude and terrorize the terrorists, using his knowledge of the building against them and striving to save as many lives as possible. From the rooftop to fire escapes, 10th floor to 30th floor, apartment 110 to apartment 3119, John will have to outwit his adversaries, all the while thinking that this is all his fault and understanding that Gruber is only truly here for him. What cost will he have to pay to end this?


I know what you're thinking: Victor Gruber!? Han's evil twin!?


Yep, I went there...but seriously, it could work.

Obviously, my plot synopsis is almost entirely dependent on making the Victor Gruber twin thing work. Which I honestly believe if treated seriously and properly, developing a clear back story for the character and why no one ever really heard of him (not that anyone would care if they had - I mean let's say you're the head FBI guy dealing with the fallout over the Nakatomi incident, you probably make a note that in Hans Gruber's record there is a mention of a twin brother, but why would it ever matter or come up?) this really could work and be something special. The power of it would be amazing. John having to face this very familiar but very different foe, meanwhile Rickman being allowed to play someone similar to Gruber but more vicious and dead set on nothing more than killing John McClane. No secret heist, no greed, just pure hatred, lust for violence, and anger (which the original Hans Gruber totally had going on, but at a very sedate mode most of the times).

And then of course, there's the idea of locking up John in one location and keeping everything isolated. But we raise the stakes. Not only are there more people in the apartment building than there were in the Nakatomi building, but John's son is there as well as Al Powell. People that John would die to protect. And Victor Gruber would of course know this and use it against John. I see John almost taking it upon himself to lure the bad guys away from the innocents, putting his son in charge of keeping them hidden, out of the line of fire.

ARGH, it could be so good, I can almost taste it. And it tastes like all that is man. A return to form, a return to taut, suspenseful action with characters we actually care about.

Oh, and of course Powell would die and have a wicked sad death scene.


Love ya buddy, but someone important has to go and it ain't gonna be John Jr.


Regardless, you have to admit that it would probably be better than what they eventually come up with.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Best movie ever?




Holy Christ this movie looks like fun. There are just too many great comedic opportunities here to count. I mean the idea that you have to be drunk in order to avoid getting murdered by aliens is awesome, but then there's all the fun that you can have with the fact that your characters are all drunk...haha. Can't wait for this.


Friday, July 20, 2012

The Dark Knight Rises review




Batman is my idol. Hard to believe, I know. Yet even as a child I would tell everyone I knew that I was going to find a way to someday BE Batman. I was going to give the world a hero it so richly needs. It didn't cross my mind until later that I probably shouldn't be telling people about this desire - not because it made me seem idealistic and innocent but because it put a target on my back so that when a real life Batman finally appeared too many people could point the police in MY direction. It was probably around my teens where I very briefly attempted a fairly organized PR blitz to abscond from everything Batman and slowly place us decidedly apart.

But enough of my insanity.

There's a lot to look up to when it comes to Batman. He's intelligent, brave, noble, honorable, self-sacrificing, talented, fearsome, tough, strong, and all of the above again and again and more besides. In many ways, he's the perfect hero.

It's important that you know how I feel about the Dark Knight because I was sort of preparing for the worst with this third and final installment in the Christopher Nolan Bat-series. Although, I was diligently hoping for the best. But there were too many rumors and hints of elements within the story that I found disturbing and not at all in alignment with the Batman mythos.

That being said...

The Dark Knight Rises is an absolute triumph.

From start to finish, this is the ultimate climax to Nolan's franchise. It is a beyond brilliant cap to the series while being a flat-out great movie that can absolutely stand on it's own. The Dark Knight Rises not only steps out of the previous film's shadow but boldly casts it's own. You read that right, this is BETTER than the Dark Knight. It's needless to compare the two. However, that's where I stand.

It's been 8 years since the events of the Dark Knight. Batman is thought to be a murderer (having taken the rap for Harvey Dent's crimes) and Bruce Wayne is living in isolation. A series of events changes this and forces Batman back out into the open. A mysterious mercenary known as Bane is running around town causing all sorts of problems. He's ruthless, powerful, and extremely deadly. A retired Batman is probably no match for him...but you'll have to see the movie to find out because I won't spoil this one for you.




I was extremely surprised by how much the movie drew from the No Man's Land saga. It must be noted that Nolan has very nicely honored and touched on so many great Batman stories without trying to do exact copies of them. With Begins he used Batman: Year One and elements of the Dark Knight Returns. With the Dark Knight he drew from the Long Halloween and the Killing Joke. And with the Dark Knight Rises he draws from Knightfall and No Man's Land. In No Man's Land a massive earthquake isolates and shuts down Gotham leaving the people to fend for themselves as the Government declares it a - wait for it - No man's land. Batman and the Bat-Family (Robin, Batgirl, Catwoman, etc.) including remnants of the GCPD try to maintain order as Gotham literally falls apart from within. Much of this movie plays out like a version of this storyline. Kudos to Nolan for getting so much great lore into three movies!

One of the major things I was planning on hating prior to viewing the flick was the 8 year gap. Batman can't stop being Batman. It's who he is. So I really didn't like this idea. I told myself going in, that this was Nolan's universe and I'm fully aware that he's been trying to tell the ENTIRE Batman legend in three movies. He's not just trying to tell 10-15 years of the story, he's going for broke. Retirement's gotta come into play eventually so I decided to go with it. Surprisingly, I found myself loving it. Within the context of the story, it makes perfect sense for Batman to stop, but this is sort of why Bruce Wayne has gone into crazy, Howard Hughes mode: He can't stop being Batman but he can't go out and be Batman so he's hiding. He's doing what's best for the city (or so he believes), but it's driving him nuts. Given the first chance, he's off investigating something and diving back in - eagerly! I love how he get's pulled back in and I love who pulls him back in. It's a great touch.

Much will be said about the villains of this movie and mostly about Bane. I fear we will be hearing film buffs and amateurs alike complain, compare, and contrast Bane to Joker and so on and so forth. It's beyond stupid to compare these two characters in any way, shape, or form. Personally, I've been a big fan of Bane's ever since he came onto the scene in the 90's and broke Batman's back in the Knightfall saga. Joker is of course an awesome character - maybe the best fictional villain ever created? They're both great, they're just different. Yet I fear the hallowed halls of film schools across the world will be full of debates over this topic for decades.

And they're all missing the point...Batman has an amazing rogue's gallery. The significant reason why his enemies are generally good is because they all bring something to the table. Not one is alike and they all have their own interests and motivations driving them on a collision course towards our cowled hero.




Bane is a force of nature. His confidence and wits matched with his superior strength and aggressive combat tactics make him a truly staggering foe. In Batman Begins, Bruce tells Alfred that he wants to create a persona that's elemental in order to spread fear into the underworld...I found myself thinking about this as I watched Bane brutalize Gotham's citizens. He's absolutely elemental. It's terrifying to see our hero go up against him, especially knowing that Bat's isn't in his prime and Bane has a clear and concise goal while Batman is playing catch-up. The Dark Knight is nowhere near prepared for Bane's ferocity and intelligence. It's a more visceral match-up.

Not to be outdone, this is ultimately a very personal Batman story. And Christian Bale isn't slumming it, rather he puts in what is arguably his best Caped Crusader performance yet. His intensity is startling, especially with his first Bane encounter. His anger and determination are almost palpable. It's a breath of fresh air and for me, it's all the right notes.

Meanwhile, there's Catwoman. Anne Hathaway nails the role (as I told everyone she would) having been pretty damn well cast in the first place. But it isn't just the way she plays the character, it's the way the character is fit into the story. On paper, it makes little sense why Bane needs and employs a cat burglar, but trust me, Catwoman is not shoe-horned in at all. She lives and breathes in this world and has her own motives and reasons for doing everything that she does. They really did a perfect job of introducing the world to the real Selina Kyle. Because Catwoman does not have mystical nine lives (a la Batman Returns) and she isn't Halle Berry. If nothing else, the Dark Knight Rises succeeded in giving Batman a female compatriot/companion/foil/love interest like the Catwoman of the comics. I've been waiting for this character to have some silver screen justice. Because honestly, she's one of the few people that really understands Batman. Despite himself, he's let her through his armor and they can relate to one another. They have a fascinating give and take that has kept their relationship (whether it's friendly or not) so interesting over the years.




I've read that a lot will be said about the ending of this movie and Joseph Gordon-Levitt's role as the beat cop John Blake. Well, about that. Levitt does a phenomenal job (as he always does) and while the initial reaction I had from the previews was that he was an unnecessary character, he's extremely likable. He's sort of the everyman that the audience can really relate to and root for. This would not have worked if Levitt's character had been at all annoying. But his childish love for Batman is so much like our own, that he's no bother. And while he has a strong role to play by the end of the movie, it isn't really what you think.

Some are calling the ending controversial. I don't know what movie these people watched, but I loved the ending. It made perfect sense for the series and the story that Nolan wanted to tell. Again, he's pretty much cramming over 80 years of Batman stories into 3 films. So he's giving us an ending here...and you know what? It frakking works.

I wish I could talk to you about the geek moments in this movie, but I made a concerted and decided effort not to spoil anything with this review. But there are so many moments where the inner comic book geek in me wanted to cheer...almost did. Even more so than the previous movies, this flick has got some really awesome money shots.

Batman and Catwoman fighting on a rooftop - awesome! Sorry, couldn't resist one little minor one. 

To sum up, this is seriously one of the most satisfying conclusions to any story I've ever seen or read. Right up there with Harry Potter (in print) and Battlestar Galactica. Every character get's their due. Everything is tied up and put in it's place. There is a feeling of logic and closure that feels completely natural and nary a heavy hand. There is no force behind this movie but the force of confident effortlessness. Moving to the beat of it's own drum at it's own pace, the Dark Knight Rises brings us to the end of the story and having just watched Batman Begins and the Dark Knight the other night, I can say: IT'S A DAMN GOOD STORY.

Welcome to trilogy heaven, Batman...it was a long road. Thanks for the fun, Chris Nolan.


12 / 10



Thursday, July 19, 2012

Batman Day!!!


Maybe the Dark Knight Rises OFFICIALLY comes out tomorrow - but I'm seeing it tonight like a lot of people so guess what? That makes it Batman day.

This marks a really special moment in Bat-history. This is the ending of the first true Batman saga. However you may like any of the previous films, you can't really say they tell one continuous Batman story. Even the Burton films are so different from each other that it's hard to see any similarity between the world in Batman and Batman Returns. And the less said about the Joel Schumacher monstrosities, the better. From many accounts, it's a great movie. I haven't seen reviews like this for a flick since, oh, the Avengers - haha - but BEFORE  that, I can't remember such overwhelming positivity. And I especially don't think we've ever seen such praise for a third entry of a trilogy. There seems to be a belief in some sort of movie curse in this department.

Personally, I'm not much for curses but if there is such a thing, Christopher Nolan has the best shot to wipe it out.

I came across the following video today and I think it's really something great. It's brilliantly put together and I believe it beautifully showcases the world that Nolan and his team have worked so hard to bring to life. Check it out and go see the Dark Knight Rises!



Sunday, July 15, 2012

Man of Steel update


For those of you who don't know, there is a new Superman movie coming out next summer. It's called Man of Steel and if you go and see the Dark Knight Rises you will get to enjoy it's first official teaser. I'm really excited about this movie, for a lot of reasons. One is that it's really well cast. The guy they got to play Superman is Henry Cavill, you may not be familiar with him, but he's a big guy and he LOOKS the part...not like mopey/emo Brandon Routh (ugh). Amy Adams is playing Lois Lane and I think that is absolutely pitch perfect. Diane Lane and Kevin Costner will be playing Ma and Pa Kent respectively with Michael Shannon playing General Zod...oh and Russel Crowe is playing Jor-El. Talk about a phenomenal cast.

Secondly, this is being directed by Zack Snyder. I've gone on record before that I think Snyder is one of the best filmmakers working today - he get's a bad wrap from idiotic fanboys, but he's damn good storyteller and an extremely interesting visual director.

Just a quick rundown:

Dawn of the Dead is IMO the best zombie movie ever made. 300 was a tour de force that started a very important trend: staying faithful to source material which was continued with Watchmen. In Watchmen Snyder did the impossible. He took a graphic novel that most (including myself) believed was unfilmable and made a damn good movie that was arguably as close to the comic as it could EVER get. Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole was a very enjoyable animated flick that harkened back to my memories of The Secret of Nimh. And for anyone who saw it, you can get a taste of what the flight sequences in Man of Steel might be like - and they will be AWESOME. And finally, I'm a huge fan of Sucker Punch, I get what he was trying to do, I understand it's not for everyone, but I think it's an amazing flick that's a whole lot of fun.

There is literally no one else I'd want to do this (with the possible exception of Joss Whedon - but even then, I don't know), with his strong visual style and loyalty to the comics, Snyder is the guy we want to show Superman blasting through the air and going toe to toe with Zod.

So go out and see the Dark Knight Rises and get a taste of your first GOOD Superman movie in damn close to 35 years. Oh and then there's this:




Thursday, July 12, 2012

Comic-Con: Dredd


A new Judge Dredd movie has been in the works for a long while. Say what you will about the Stallone flick (personally I know it's bad but it's a TON of fun), but the material here is ripe for action-adventure and fun. I've been a big fan of Karl Urban's for years. If he wasn't busy doing a phenomenal interpretation of Tommy Lee Jone's Woodrow McCall in the Lonesome Dove prequel he was busy playing Eomer in the Lord of the Rings trilogy. And when he was through with all that he was busy doing his own version of Dr. Leonard McCoy for the new Star Trek series.

So when Urban took on the part of Dredd, I was all about it.




The movie has been screened. And the audiences are loving it. Specifically, io9, Joblo, and Aintitcool, have ALL written glowing reviews for the movie. These are all websites I traffic with reviewers that I trust.

People, let's look forward to this!

The Amazing Spider-Man review




Many people have complained about the mere notion of rebooting the Spider-Man series so close from the release of the much derided and reviled Spider-Man 3. Many have also complained that it's even too close to the original Spider-Man movie (released in 2002) to reboot the series on a whole.

I'm not one of these people - in fact, it sort of annoys me how much this has been brought up. Who cares when the last movie came out? Especially if we could get something better? Why not be hopeful and wait and see how it turns out before complaining. I mean, seriously, do you like Spider-Man? I know you do, so who cares if it's "rebooted" or not.

Maybe it's because I have a background in reading comic books. You see in comics, it's rare for a creative team (mainly the writer and the penciller) to stick together on a series for more than a year or so. Then another creative team comes on board and sure it's still the X-Men, Batman, Superman, or whatever but it's a new look and new style that often accompanies costume and storyline changes. Sometimes much of what the previous writer did is ignored by the current writer. So in a way, comic books have been rebooting constantly for nearly a century. It keeps things fresh. Sure it's not always great, sometimes it's downright horrible, but it is what it is.

So no, I don't have a problem with rebooting franchises. However, I do have a serious problem with retelling an origin story. This was the main reason I was possibly going to pass on the Amazing Spider-Man (at least 'till it was on the small screen). I won't go into my hatred over Hollywood's mismanagement of comic book properties with regards to their beginnings again, but only because I've already gone over it in THIS ARTICLE.

But what the Hell, a new Spider-Man movie was out so I might as well check it out...I'd heard mixed reviews but mainly good things from people I trust.

Turns out, the Amazing Spider-Man is pretty darn good.


It's not THIS awesome...but it's awesome.


Right off the bat, the action and tone is all much better here than in Raimi's movies. I like Spider-Man, I LOVE Spider-Man 2 and I hate Spider-Man 3...but even with my love of the first two movies, I've only ever found Raimi's vision to be acceptable. Sure they work, but they're also OFF. Too hokey and oft-beat. A little too innocent and a tad corny. Raimi's Spider-Man is full of cringe-worthy lines (and delivery) and sappy sentimentalism that's way too heavy-handed and not very realistic. Seriously, check 'em out again, you'll find the years haven't been all that kind to those movies.

Not to mention, I've always hated Danny Elfman's score and James Horner's trumps his easily.

With the Amazing Spider-Man, director Marc Webb (the man behind the fantastic 500 Days of Summer) has created a more real, lived-in world that feels closer to reality. A lot has been said about the studio wanting to make Spider-Man dark like the Dark Knight and while that may be true of what the suit's wanted, to me it just feels like Webb made a more realistic Spider-Man movie. And I don't have a problem with that. Sure, Spider-Man isn't a dark character, but his world is and he's a tortured young man that has had truly horrible things happen to him. However, again, I don't feel like this movie is a dark flick that is trying to mirror what Nolan has done with the current Bat-films.

The love interest is better - and not because it's Gwen Stacy instead of MJ, after all MJ in Raimi's movies was really just a mix of the two anyway - but only because Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield have real chemistry. In fact, the casting here knocks the movie right out of the park. With all due respect to the late Cliff Robertson, Martin Sheen is phenomenal as Uncle Ben. He just oozes paternal and yet he's cool enough to give Peter his space - wow, just spot on, loved it. And I really enjoyed what Dennis Leary did with his role as Gwen's dad, Captain Stacy. In many ways, Nolan's Batman series has been so great because it was casted very well right from the beginning. I feel like the same can be said here as well.




With that said, I didn't love Garfield as Spider-Man - whoa, wait...I didn't hate him either. I'm just on the middle on this one. I think he did a fine job but I felt that he was let down a bit by this slightly warped version of Peter Parker that they are going for, a little too hipster/emo with way too many Edwardian Twilight hints for my taste. But I can't blame Garfield for this, I'm just too distracted by it at first to give his performance as Spider-Man a real shakedown. I'm gonna see this flick again, and I'm sure as time goes on I'll come to say that I think Garfield makes a great Spider-Man. It can't be hard to beat Tobey, though - who was a little too mopey for my taste.

I'm not really going to give this flick too much of a synopsis, mostly because I don't think I have to. However I will say that my fears of a repeating origin weren't all that realized. Very little time is spent on Spider-Man's origins and it doesn't feel too repetitive because honestly, it's a lot more enjoyable than the 2002 version. Part of that is the cast, but I would argue most of it is Marc Webb. It's still there though when it really doesn't have to be, so I'm sure over the years it might annoy me more, but right now, it's okay. Once the Lizard is introduced the movie goes into full swing (heh) and the action is very good with Spider-Man poses and moves pulled right off of some of my favorite comic book covers. The special-effects are excellent and the webbing is used to a much higher and smarter degree than we've seen before.

Now, with all that said. Let's go into a little of what I DIDN'T like about the Amazing Spider-Man.

Elephant in the room - look closely, but there is a large portion of storyline that's been cut from this movie. You can see it in the trailers if you're observant enough and it's sort of what the "Untold Story" tagline has been hinting at. And in fact, there are pieces of it lurking in the finished product. Apparently, there was to be a whole plot development about how Peter's parents had done something to his DNA as a child that would allow him to gain the Spider powers that he eventually does. I EFFING HATE THIS IDEA.

You see the main problem with Hollywood and their interpretations of these iconic characters is that they wildly misunderstand them. What makes Spider-Man tick is that he's a normal dude. He's a science geek in High School that has nothing going for him on any social level. He's awkward, nervous, and well - geeky. Bam, he get's powers he gains some confidence but he's always having life shit on him. Losing Uncle Ben, losing Gwen Stacy (spoiler alert - she doesn't die in this movie but the Green Goblin chucked her off the Brooklyn Bridge to her death in the comics), having New York hate him while he's helping, J. Jonah Jameson chewing him out constantly, always facing off against enemies that are stronger, faster, and deadlier than he is. That's the thing, Spider-Man is always the underdog. He's a normal dude. Having his parents do SOMETHING (that will probably never be properly explained) to his DNA messes with the "normal guy get's powers" core of what makes Spider-Man awesome.

Now for whatever reason, this storyline was mostly dropped from the movie. But the remnants are still there - this possibly means they'll touch on it in Part 2 (which is coming, btw). In some ways it's weird that the parent angle was even used at all because while it's heavily touched on at the beginning of the film, it's dropped for the rest of it. Like literally dropped and never brought up again until the very end for the credit sequence. This is just improper planning. I will sort of wait and reserve full judgment until the next installment.

Also, I wasn't very fond of the Lizard's overall look. And I'm a big fan of the Lizard as one of Spider-Man's villains. I've been wanting him to come at Spidey for YEARS. A lot of people are defending the design by saying that they were going for the early Lizard incarnation's look. I don't think they were purposely going for that regardless of what they say, but whatever. For most people, the Lizard looks like this:




He does NOT look like a Goomba from the Super Mario Bros. movie. I'm sorry, but the design for the Lizard changed over the years because the original design sucked. Say what you want, but that Lizard up above would have been WAY cooler to watch fight Spider-Man than the wannabe Killer Croc we saw. Oh yeah, I got jokes for days, yo.

Speaking of jokes, Spider-Man is a comedian. I'm serious. He's constantly cracking one-liners, telling jokes, and making fun of the guy's he's fighting (it's part of his tactics - throws his opponent off of his game). Now we've seen this a bit in the Raimi movies but I can count on one hand how many times Maguire makes quips in ALL three Spider-Man movies. I can count on one hand how many times Garfield does it in one movie - so it's improving, I'll give them that, but it's far from where it should be.

Minor complaint, not a fan of the costume. I feel like Spider-Man's costume is too classic to modify (nor should one try) and this version is too over-stylized and looks somewhat like it was made out of basketballs. Stop over-thinking things...jeez.

With that being said, I still found WAY more to like about this Spider-Man than I expected to. I've heard a ton of complaints that range from Parker wasn't geeky enough to he becomes a hero by first only seeking revenge - that's great, but these are nitpicks. And none of the nitpicks are MY nitpicks. I feel the character was serviced well in a world that was relatable and realistic. The actors all did great jobs and the characterization was mostly spot-on. The action set-pieces were great and the fight choreography was pretty darn exceptional. Oh, and the music was much better...

It's a good movie, folks and a very decent Spider-Man entry. It's not quite as good as Spider-Man 2 but I felt that it was absolutely better than the original Spider-Man. Definitely worth seeing.


8 / 10

Gangster Squad = New Untouchables?


There's a new flick coming out that we should all be excited about. It's in the vein of L.A. Confidential or the video-game L.A. Noir - sort of mythic interpretations of 1940's-50's police work and city life. If you've never seen L.A. Confidential - rent or download or whatever it RIGHT NOW.

Personally I love this sort of gritty, pulpy movie. But upon watching the new trailer, it looks and FEELS like an Untouchables movie for a new generation. Untouchables was a flick starring Kevin Coster, Sean Connery, Robert DeNiro, and Andy Garcia about the real-life squad that took on Al Capone in Chicago during the heyday of Prohibition. They seriously were called the Untouchables because they couldn't be bribed, bought, and/or threatened. They went after Capone and his cohorts like men with nothing to lose.

If you haven't seen the Untouchables - rent or download or whatever it RIGHT NOW.

Regardless, check out the new trailer for Gangster Squad starring Josh Brolin, Ryan Gosling, Emma Stone, Nick Nolte, Robert Patrick (the T-1000, yo), and the nauseating Sean Penn (the only reason I wouldn't see this movie if it didn't look so damn awesome). It's also directed by the guy who made Zombieland.

If you haven't seen Zombieland - you get the idea.



Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Comic-Con 2012


The San Diego Comic-Con is about to be underway. Unfortunately I shan't be there (yet that's sort of fortunate since I won't have to brave the mighty circus that it has become), but that's okay. Because of the plethora of recording devices, web-site reporting and fan's going nuts about new and old stuff alike all over forums, I'll definitely still be reporting on it.

I know, I know it's a tad lazy. But tickets sold out mighty quick this year which really isn't surprising since I've noticed the Con grow exponentially as time has gone on. I have fond memories of going back in 2002 or 2003 and watching the Spider-Man 2 panel with barely a soul in the room - that was back when they were giving out free goodies!

I think I enjoy getting my intel this way so much more - from the comfort of my own home and yet I still hear all the news and see all the vids. Maybe not as quick as everyone else, but in the end, what does that matter? Still I'll miss seeing all the hot Catwomen and gold bikini-wearing Princess Leia's!

Bottom line? Stay tuned.

SO MUCH AWESOME!

All the Batman advertising you need


With the Dark Knight Rises fast approaching and the advertising blitz in full swing, I have to say, I really feel like the advertisements (teasers, trailers, television commercials) have all been lacking. I was always going to see this movie and I was always going to be excited about it - but man, most of these trailers have just been ho-hum and lazy.

Then I saw this:



This one preview does more for the Dark Knight Rises than all of their previous previews combined. Now I'm super-excited...or should I say, Bat-excited?

Monday, July 9, 2012

Alton Brown = ASSHOLE





I've loved to cook since I was 9.

There are extremely fond memories bouncing around my brain that are all about learning how to make an omelette. From everything to mixing the eggs to rotating and sloshing them about (lest us not forget the all-important moment where we add cheese to the concoction).

I like to cook and I've been experimenting since my first initial contact with the adventure. Cooking just makes sense to me. It's twenty parts art and ten parts science - I find that very appealing!

As the years went on I became very interested (as most Americans) with the Food Network. It wasn't long before Alton Brown crossed my path...

All my friends talked about the guy. Family heralded the dude. I looked forward to listening to his insight and expertise. Then I watched his show:




HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

This guy couldn't get more rigid OR pretentious.

Here's the thing...people love him, I know.

Disagree, but whatever.

The main problem I have with Brown is that he constantly talks about recipes and states ingredients like a fucking BAKER masquerading as a scientist. The former he isn't and the latter he'd like you to believe that he is but this is the guy's bio:

Full of it.

Brown was a cinematographer. He didn't get into cooking until he was in his 30's. He admits he was weak at science.

Cooking is an art. And here is where we get to the heart of my problem with Brown.

This is a guy who claims to cook like a scientist - YET he was always poor at science. Regardless, cooking and science should only partially go hand and hand but he leaves no room to maneuver. He is explicit about recipes and ingredients to a FAULT. He makes no room to budge in a form that should be loose, fun, and easy going. He is so anal it's annoying and repetitive.


 


Ultimately my main problem with Brown is that he's a facade'.

He has zero artistry or talent. Sure he'll talk about ingredients that he's informed about, and he has ingredients that his handlers get for him, but he has ZERO creativity. He's not a Chef.

A great cook is not rigid but flexible. Here endeth the lesson.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Ted review


Fuck you THUNDER!

You know for a guy who has totally isolated me as a viewer with Family Guy (it leans so far to the left it likes to kiss Hitler's ass), Seth MacFarlane knocked it out of the park with Ted.

If you don't know - and seriously, how do you not know - Ted is the story about a boy who wishes that his newly Christmas gifted (yeah, it's a word) teddy bear was real. The wish comes true and in full 80's nostalgia workplace Heaven, the idea is glossed over as magic is real so fucking deal with it. Gotta love it! Some thirty years later, no one cares that a magic, talking bear exists and we get to see what's happened to the little boy and the teddy bear.

For all you youngsters out there, ENJOY. Seriously, this is why growing up in the 80's was so freaking awesome. The movie constantly and consistently references 80's awesomeness (loved the Star Wars action figure present moment or all the Flash Gordon love - and let's not forget the Indy-grabs-his-fedora-sequence) as well as being an homage or a love letter to the kid's who grew up with E.T. and Teddy Ruxpin. This movie is as much a part of the zeitgeist for those who loved Goonies, Ghostbusters and the Monster Squad to those who love Anchorman, Old School, and indeed, Family Guy.

If you've never seen the Monster Squad, remedy that shit right now:





I once heard someone, somewhere talk about the idea that everything comes back. Meaning that because one generation retires and another takes control, the stuff that the previous generation loved and was interested in becomes renewed. Boy oh boy is this true. Just ask Michael Bay and Optimus Prime...

In most ways, the movie is a metaphor about growing up. You scrap everything that's fun and comical about Ted away, you get the story about a guy and his best friend that are REALLY close and just want to continue having fun and being friends. But when life get's in the way, is it time to move on or is it time to just grow up? But again, that's what makes Ted so much fun. It handles serious issues and relatable subjects with a certain amount of whimsy and fun that makes the otherwise heavy-handed moral approach easier to swallow. This is something that those 80's movies I talk about ALL do which is why Ted is such a kindred spirit.

On top of which, Ted manages to be hilarious, quotable, and so much fun. Again, their constant references to Flash Gordon and a party that takes place with the actual actor who played Flash Gordon is freaking phenomenal. At first I thought that the attention paid to a little known movie from like three decades past might isolate viewers, MacFarlane does his Family Guy magic that allows him to make fun of something whilst eliminating the need for the viewer to fully understand the joke.





That is the secret to Seth MacFarlane. He can make these crazy references and be funny to the guy who completely understand the reference to the girl who only sort of get's it (sexism not allowed here).

Not to stroke the guy off anymore than I already have, but this was his first movie. He directed it, wrote it, co-starred in it, AND produced it. For such a heavy CGI / Unbelievable premise flick for a first time tour de force artist it is AMAZING that Ted came out so good. Kudos really have to be given to the man.

And speaking of amazing talent, I love Mark Wahlberg, but lately I've felt like he's slummed it a bit. But then I went back through his resume and realized the man has never really played the same character in any of his flicks and has slowly (like a piece of Tony Stark shrapnel) become one of my favorite actors. Selected filmography:

Fear
Three Kings
The Perfect Storm
Planet of the Apes
The Italian Job
I Heart Huckabees
Four Brothers
The Departed
Shooter
The Lovely Bones
The Other Guys
The Fighter

HOLY SHIT...and that's not even the guilty pleasures like the Big Hit and Renaissance Man. Wow, the boy's done some good work. Not to mention he produced Entourage and Boardwalk Empire - two of my favorite HBO shows!

And then there's the too gorgeous for the camera Mila Kunis who is as charming and talented as she is sexy. I've seen this woman in person before I was a fan and I used to think she was just OKAY - but let me tell you folks, the CAMERA DOES NOT DO HER JUSTICE. And that's the truth. Hottest woman I've ever seen in person. But her obvious intelligence and gravity as an actress make her even more appealing and believe it or not, interesting and relatable.

Charming, cute, and sexy - the perfect woman...

The only minor complaint I can come up with for Ted is that it has a very simple problem with a very simple solution that is made complicated by the characters. Which, don't get me wrong, happens often in film, it's just slightly frustrating to go through the whole movie with this seemingly big problem. It's very easy, folks, you don't ask Ted to move out, you ask him to grow up. But I'll let you watch the movie and draw your own conclusions.



8 / 10


Friday, July 6, 2012

The woman I MUST marry has 10 interesting rules, here is where I debunk them...


For those who don't follow the Cave as much as they SHOULD: Previous Installments

On with the show:



Normally I agree with everything this woman has to say, hence the we should get married bit. BUT with this entry, I found myself profoundly disagreeing with all of the main points. So of course, now I must comment.

Side note: Love the pajama dance. Cute AND sexy.

1. Um, only the bad type of boyfriend won't hold their girlfriend's hair while they puke. I've done this for a couple (and as a couple, I mean SEVERAL) of my girlfriend's / dates - yep, you're welcome. In my experience, the best friend is too busy puking her OWN guts out to be any help to her best friend. Only douchebags don't care about their girlfriends, so already this point is moot upon moot.

2. You know who's great at sex tips and/or blow-job tips? You're boyfriend...oh you know, the guy you're going to be exercising these tactics with!? It just kind of makes sense to have an open forum with the person you're going to be engaging with...at least I think. Some guys might be insecure about this stuff, but that's just stupid. If he can argue about sports, he should be able to take coaching about sex one way or another and vice - versa.

3. Venting about guys to your boyfriend get's results. Either there's an ass whooping or a talking down to. OR nothing happens and you just talk and we tune you out while we play the new Call of Duty. All signs point to: Problem SOLVED. Unless you're venting about us, which in that case, you should be talking to us about our problems or just simply leaving us.

4. Men will be more honest with you than your girlfriends. Yep...I said it. See, women are FAKE friends to each other. Mostly because society has bred women to constantly compete with one another. So women will always tell you how good you look in something while they badmouth you to all your friends behind your back. Men will tell you what's up. Sure they won't be blatant about it. If you're asking if you look fat in something, you know you're probably fat and they'll of course DODGE that fucking missile. However, they'd be the first to tell you that your underwear is hanging out - because we are bred to compete with each other over the woman we have hanging around us. So there's that.

5. This to me is the weakest point in the whole episode. Men understand a woman's cycle more than women do. It's one of the first things we try and figure out - when and where is this going to happen - so we know when and where to stay CLEAR. We all had mom's and we learned about this the HARD WAY. Again, women compete with each other so it's almost like this does more harm than good when they are in close proximity and there are all those rumors of synchronization (which I don't buy into, BTDUBS).

6. Yeah, this again doesn't apply to a GOOD boyfriend. A good boyfriend realizes that a woman is a human being - she grows hair. Sure, it's awesome to have a fully, constantly shaved girlfriend - but it's also unrealistic and stupid. Personally I like my women to be REAL as do most guys I know - it's funny when you legs start to get a little prickly. It makes you REAL and HUMAN. Men are taught to idealize women and put them on a pedestal from day one - when you start to be imperfect you become relatable. It makes us love you that much more. Again, these are GOOD boyfriends we're talking about. Not the D-Bags you girls usually go for.

7. Nope. And that's not to say I'm afraid of the word baby - I just think this is a weak point.

8. BULLSHIT. All of a woman's friends photos of her friends will make her feel jealous. Jealous of the wedding she hasn't had, the kids she hasn't had, the vacation she hasn't had, the ice cream she hasn't had, the friends she doesn't have, the job she doesn't have, the outfit she doesn't have, the tattoo she doesn't have, the new car she doesn't have, I could go on, and on. Of course, I'm generalizing. But I would wager that within her lifetime a girl's best friend could make her more jealous of things than any man could.

9. That's actually a decent point. However, if it's BUGGING you that your mate is asking for sex - maybe they don't belong in your bed?

10. Most boyfriends want to watch sports with their mates (English slang FTW) not with you. If they do want to watch it with you, that means they just want to spend time with you, and if you fall asleep, they could care less. That's a winner - marry him...you're welcome.

So all in all, MAYBE the lovely Red ISN'T the woman I should marry!?

The Star Wars I Used to Know


I wasn't going to post this, having posted my "Used to Know" videos already. But everyone and their mom (yes this still works after the 90's) has been sending this video to me so I figured, what the Hell?




In the end, anything that hates on Lucas deserves attention here at the Cave.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Turbo: Top 5 Shows still on TV that I got into late


Every summer I take the time to scour Netflix for a show I’ve heard is good but haven’t seen yet and burn through the series up to the point where it currently stands. Well…only if it’s good. So the following are 5 shows still currently on TV that I think you all should be watching.




5. Community

Honestly this makes the list to round out a solid 5. The first season is decent and the second season is a bit better. Season 3 is a lot like season 2 but takes that idea of a “special episode” and turns it into an entire season. I feel like the characters are the only reason I keep coming back for more, but not necessarily the story-lines. It is all about pop culture references and being “meta”. We all know Ryan is a huge fan of this show and he can more accurately give you details (and has) on this show. If anything, the characters of Troy and Abed make the show worth watching. If they got their own spinoff I’d be all over it. But it’s not without its faults. The series creator didn’t know what he was getting himself into. He cast Chevy Chase and either didn’t know what he’s become or just was under prepared for the mess he now is. As a result he has publicly criticized his performance and has an open distaste for him. After watching commentaries and interviews with him, I’ve come to the conclusion that the firing of Dan Harmon was the best thing that could happen to the show (Sorry, I know Ryan has already posted about this, but the writing staff comes off as dismissive of Dan Harmon and the way he runs his show). But that’s not to say it’s a bad show. It’s definitely worth watching for some of the amazing episodes such as the Paintball episodes and one where they copy the style of The Office. Give it a watch and decide for yourself. I’ll be continuing it just because I’ve fallen so head over heels in love with Donald Glover (Troy) and Danny Pudi (Abed). Those two steal the shit out of every scene they’re in. They seem to be the only ones who actually want to be there, and I want them to ALWAYS be onscreen. It’s not for everyone, but it might just be for you. Check it out.

BatSTUD side note: Personally I think you're completely missing what makes the show special, and the cast's loyalty to Harmon over anything else is what I've noticed. I also think that whatever happens between Chase and Harmon off-set hasn't been reflected on the show so to me it's utterly pointless. And EVERYONE on the show wants to be there - I think that's extremely obvious. 

This should be a show in its own right, with actual cameras.




4. How I Met Your Mother  

The only reason this show doesn’t rank higher is because it’s coming into its final season. But I LOVE this show. The characters are wonderful and the storytelling is so well thought out and planned out that you can’t help but be impressed by it. Sure, the main character Ted is difficult to like. But that’s part of the charm of the show. It’s “the greatest love story ever told” through the eyes of a douchebag. Which is an interesting take on a great love story. His friends, however, are wonderful people. The perfect couple of Lilly and Marshall, the playboy Barney, and the on-again off-again love interest of Robin (who's not just Ted's love interest). The humor is genuine and it has become the LOST of sitcoms. If a void has been left in your life since Friends left the air, How I Met Your Mother fills it with a more realistic (I don’t know about you, but I hang out in bars, not coffee shops) tone. It has flash forwards, flash backs, flash upside downs, musical numbers and some extremely well done experimental episodes. For a multi-camera show, it breaks boundaries most single-camera shows are scared to tackle. As I said before, it’s going into its final season, and I can’t see it being a disappointment. Get into it, you won’t regret it.


HIMYM, making high fives legendary.




3. Gold Rush 

I don’t love reality TV. I have a few on my list of shows I watch, but this one is something special. I heard the ads on TV calling it the “Number one show on Friday night” but that wasn’t saying much. I thought, “Cool, people mining gold. Whatever.” But then I had friends telling me to check it out and I finally did. Over the next 2 days I crushed through it and saw one of the most heart warming/breaking shows I’d ever seen. The show revolves around 7 men who are hit hard by this downturn in the economy and decide to risk it all and go to Alaska to mine for gold. They have all the equipment and none of the know-how, but spend the entire season learning. Everything breaks down, from their tractors and trammels to the people themselves. There are people you love, and people you hate, and even a 15 year old kid that knows more about gold mining than all the 40+ year olds combined. They’re not characters, they’re real people. Season 2 has a complete change in style and starts following 3 different mining groups (all of whom you meet in season 1) and the tensions rise even higher and keeps you watching and hoping these people all find their weight in gold. If you want true heart and heartbreak, watch this one. Even if reality TV isn’t your thing, you’ll find something to love about this show. As one of the men on the show says in the first episode, “There isn’t one man in America, if he’s got anything inside him, who wouldn’t want to be here with us.” Give this show an hour, and you’ll agree.

You will LOVE to hate this man.




2.  Parks and Recreation

Being a huge fan of The Office, I was excited for this show to come out. I was excited to see Amy Poehler head a show and loved that they were going to be doing it in the style of The Office. I watched the first three episodes and stopped watching it entirely. It was AWFUL. The characters were disjointed, Amy’s Leslie Knope was an idiot who stumbled her way through this local government. The Office’s Rashida Jones’s character was dating an idiot and it didn’t make sense. Aubrey Plaza’s April was just emo and annoying. Also there’s the character of Mark Brendanawicz who had zero reason to ever exist in life, let alone TV. So I gave up on it. Then two summers ago I was bored and thought “OK, there’s two seasons on Netflix now, let’s check out what I skipped out on”. Wow. The show’s creators saw ALL of these problems and quickly addressed them. They practically threw out the entire first season and started over and it was the greatest change I’ve ever seen a show make. They made Leslie Knope competent, and allowed the amazing character of Ron Swanson to shine. They broke up Rashida Jones and her boyfriend and set him up with Aubry Plaza’s April (who were SO good together they had them married three weeks into dating). By the end of season 2 the character of Mark barely had anything to do and they eventually got rid of him to bring in the amazing duo of Rob Lowe and Adam Scott to replace him. To say they added a lot to the show is an understatement. They turned the show from good to amazing. It has FAR surpassed The Office, even at its greatest. If you’re not watching this show, you are missing out on some truly spectacular comedy. Skip season 1 entirely. You won’t feel left behind by starting with season 2.


Don't misunderstand him.  He wants them ALL.




 1.  Breaking Bad

If you read my review of Rock of Ages, you know I HATED that movie. However the one thing that it gave me was such a sour taste in my mouth that I decided to watch something new I hadn’t given a chance yet when I got home. I’d heard good things about this show and decided to give it a shot, not expecting much. Half way through the first episode I was completely hooked. I was apprehensive at first, I’m not a big fan of drug dealers. Something about them being scumbags puts me off. Plus, it’s about crystal meth. The dirtiest of all drugs next to heroin in my opinion. But wow. Wow, wow, wow. Bryan Cranston (Malcolm in the Middle’s freakin’ dad) plays a high school chemistry teacher who has been diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. He doesn’t have enough of a nest egg to make sure his family (a pregnant wife who doesn't work and a 15 year old son with cerebral palsy) can survive should he die. His brother-in-law (a DEA agent) shows him pictures of a recent drug bust and the "low" sum of $700,000 that was confiscated, and he realizes that crystal meth is nothing more than chemistry and his plan is formed. He teams up with a former student who is already dealing meth and they decide to become the new drug kingpins in the BEAUTIFUL city of Albuquerque (The ABQ). Filmed on location, every frame of the show is a work of art. They put the camera in places you would never have imagined. The dynamic of Walt (Cranston) and his former student Jesse is phenomenal. Nothing about this lifestyle is glorified as they both realize that this life is not only hard, but deadly and dangerous. Over the next 4 seasons (which I watched over the course of 5 days) he moves further and further into the dark underbelly of the meth trade. Keeping his life secret from his family and narrowly escaping death on a weekly basis, the show manages to pull off things I’ve only ever seen on HBO. After watching this show, I can see why it is sweeping the awards circuit. Walt is the ultimate badass and Jesse is the perfect partner. Give this show a chance and you too will be saying “All hail the king!”  Season 5 starts July 15th.  Catch up now while you still have time.

It's not HBO, it's basic cable.

Monday, July 2, 2012

Raise ticket prices!





I have a few big problems with the modern movie-going experience.

Obviously there are the big ones. The familial types who think it's acceptable to bring a two-year old or newborn into ANY movie let alone PG-13 or R-rated fare. Then there are the couples who think it's okay to talk to each other throughout the film because they're on a date, so hey, it's cute or some shit. The teenagers who are obnoxious in only ways that adolescents can be obnoxious. Or the morons that check their cell phones twenty times in an hour or even dare to answer a phone call while the movie is screening. And let's be honest, I'm barely scratching the surface with these generalizations.

Within the haze of social norms and the almost physically painful assault of stupidity that comes with going to a movie with the masses there is an even worse culprit. Someone who feigns ignorance and innocence all at once. It is the movie theater's themselves.

When we look at a general movie theater experience we have to incorporate management.

The truth is that there are too many social issues to count why bad behavior in movie theater's has become the norm. From a declining middle class to a lack of manners and even a failing of the American education system, one could all draw multiple reasoning as to why rudeness and general asshat behavior is generally accepted while common decency and common sense are completely ignored. I always thought I would've been better suited to the late 19th century. If you had a problem with someone, you had a shootout in the street. Sounds good to me...less morons in the world - I'm a good shot.

Regardless, movie theater management has to take a harsh look at itself and what it's allowed. And when I say management, I'm not talking about the meager Asst. Managers and GM's that run the actual locations, I'm talking about the upper management business choices that have been made as a sacrifice to the almighty deity: the dollar sign. When typical business becomes cowing to the ever-ignorant and steadily shady consumer you look to weaken your clientele and empower people that will only abuse said power.




I've wrote before how the idea of "the customer is always right" is destroying this country, but it's never more apparent than when you dine out or go to the movies. There's big money to be had over having more guests in your establishment than less. Why not allow them to have all they want and get their way entirely? In this non-confrontational, totally PC world we live in, why not let the bad guy get away with bad behavior?

The simple truth is that movie theaters are unwilling to respond to problems within their theater's for one main reason: They believe they will make an enemy of a guest and in their mind that's equivalent to losing money (this is wrong, but that's a whole other argument - see link above). Confrontation while sometimes necessary has been deemed scary, and inappropriate by today's standards. Confronting a guest leads to hostility, hostility leads to asking for money back, which leads to loss of money, etc, etc.

Yes, there are now multiple proclaimers in front of every movie about no talking and turning off your cell phone. But these are ineffective, wasteful notions. Not only have I heard multiple people laugh at these statements and/or screen advertisement projections, BUT the movie theater companies are having to comment on a problem that they themselves let BECOME a problem.




So have fun trying to get management to kick out an unruly guest while at your favorite cinema - most likely it WON'T happen. And think about it, even if you get a manager who's down with justice and logic, who are they going to send in to get rid of your troublemaker? Some teenage usher? That'll be efficient and effective...Dream on.

Personally, I've always been a do-it-yourself kind of guy. So as I've watched my movie-going experience decline as time has gone on, I've responded appropriately. I've yelled at, made fun of, marched up on and almost fought MULTIPLE problem-makers in theaters as the years have gone by.

But don't get me wrong - I'm not gloating here. I HATE having to do this. Someday I might end up biting off more than I can chew - but I will NOT abide with bad behavior. All of me hates stupidity, most of me hates obnoxious, attention-seeking behavior but ultimately I just want to watch the movie -

I have to quickly interject here. As if it's not already known or understood, movies are sacred to me. I love going to the movies. There is an undeniable magic and prestige to the movie theater that has been appreciated and adored for years. I love it. It's like going to the museum with a curator who tells you current event stories. There's so much history, myth, and awe wrapped up into whatever be your poison up there on the screen. It can't be replaced and it can't be duplicated in your own home - as much as we would like to try. And let's also realize something major here: Would it be okay to talk or act like a general asshat during a sermon? A funeral? A wedding? Movies are no less sacred, some of them preaching the same things you'd find in any of the previous examples...not to mention, they are a billion dollar industry. EXACTLY.

- so when I say that I confront people it's not out of glory...no, it's out of a compulsion. It's out of anger. It's out of righteousness. We are there to watch a movie. We PAY to watch a movie. We do not pay to hear people talk to each other or try to crack unfunny jokes in some sort of pathetic and desperate grab for attention. We do not pay to hear babies cry or buffoon's talk on their cell phones. We do not pay to have movies explained to other people or criticized while we are watching them by morons who barely graduated High School. We PAY to watch a movie. That's it.




Yet bad behavior is continued to let pass because movie theater management is afraid of isolating customers and the good viewers are mostly too afraid of conflict to do anything other than mutter angrily. If there were higher consequences for bad behavior in a movie theater, these issues wouldn't be a problem.

So while we can blame some idiot seeking attention in a movie theater because his parents were abusive or he had no parents or therefore his standard of living was sub par - OR on everything from drugs being too accessible, to a poor education - the fact is that the movie business is LETTING bad behavior become standard behavior.

There's even been talk of allowing cell phone usage in the cinemas - I shit you NOT:


Movieline report...

An article I liked from themarysue.com


All of these points and ideas come to a head with the simple notion that struck me a couple weeks ago. I went to see a movie that had been out for a while. I went on a Tuesday. 2:00pm showing. There wasn't one or two, but THREE couples talking throughout the entire movie.

This is when it hit me:

RAISE TICKET PRICES.

It's really quite simple.

Take a general dipshit who has bred multiple times because his intellect has rendered him incapable of understanding the benefits of contraceptives (this could be due to religious beliefs but is still therefore tied to intellect). Said dipshit goes to the movies with his brood. The movie is inappropriate for his offspring, but dipshit doesn't care because he/she is SELFISH and wants to see the flick (ah, the underlying problem with today's moral compass begins to shine through) - so he/she is thus willing to let others suffer with the screams and torments of babes. Oh but wait - what is that yonder? Ticket prices have increased yet again? Too much for the family!?

GOOD.

If you have money to burn to take a date to or your family to and then act like a complete and utter fool whilst NOT paying attention to the movie, well then my friend, YOU HAVE TOO MUCH FUCKING MONEY. 

I have long disbelieved in the so-called recession. It's never once touched my paycheck (if anything, I've made more money as "things have got worse") and when I see people continually going out to eat and see movies in a so-called troubling economic time, I have to question the status quo.

The sad fact is that modern day movie theater businesses are too afraid to confront their consumers on bad behavior and since most people aren't going to check their lesser components, the only solution that makes sense for all is to raise ticket prices. This way, the greedy industry is still making money with a lesser population in the seats while the people in the seats are having the experience they long for.

Sure, it's a cop-out...but it's the most realistic end to a rather complicated equation.

I would of course love to see theater management tackle the problem and INSIST that people who act poorly while watching movies are utterly THROWN out (thus making an example for future incidents - THUS eradicating the possibility of future incidents), but this remains only my dream. I would love to see theater-goer's DEMAND this sort of action and lash out at the rude, insane, annoying, and obnoxious. It would probably take the one in order to get the other, if you know what I mean. 

The sad fact is that too few people are doing it right. You've got places like Cinepolis in my hometown of San Diego County (doing the luxury movie theater-thing, i.e. too expensive for asshats), or the Alamo Drafthouse in the Southwest (famously known for kicking some dumb bitch out of their theater for using her cell phone), and the guy across the street with a better theater set-up than modern movie theater's are prepared to pay for:




But these places are few and far between. Yet they're doing exactly what I'm preaching: Charging enough to keep the morons away.

God bless them. And FUCK you America for letting bad behavior win out.