Kevin Smith needs a comeback!!!

I'll be the first to admit that I am an unabashed Kevin Smith fan.

And why not? The guy is obviously talented. From his movies to his books, podcast projects, business ventures and even his live shows which function more like stand-up, it's clear this guy is very smart and very gifted.

For those who have no idea who this guy is, let me explain. This is the writer and director of Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Zack and Miri Make a Porno, Dogma, and Jersey Girl just to name a few. A lot of his movies are known for being vulgar, but to leave it at that is to be ignorant. Most, if not all of his movies have massive heart and are stories that have something to say with totally relatable characters who speak the way most people I know speak. Some call it vulgar, I call it being real.

Smith has also acted in most of his movies but also taken roles in such films as Live Free or Die Hard and Catch and Release.

He's written best-selling books as well as comic books. Hell, he's the guy who brought Green Arrow back to life...and for that I will be eternally grateful.

He runs a podcast through his website which he calls smodcast. You can find it here: SMODCAST (internet radio show)

And in the last few years he's been touring live, just telling stories...except these stories are usually extremely insightful, offering an inside peek into some of the various happenings within the studio system of Hollywood, and their hilarious to boot.

For example:

He's clearly a genuine renaissance man who almost always has something going on and has his fingers into a little bit of everything. If you watch enough of his "stand-up" shows (which are collected on DVD and Blu-Ray on an Evening With Kevin Smith and an Evening Harder just to name two which I totally recommend you buy) you'll see him make fun of himself to the point where I'm not sure even Kevin Smith understands how talented he is. However, I think most talented people don't truly ever realize the vastness of their talent, so I guess that's okay.

Lately though, he's been a target of sort's. And just in case you're wondering, I'm not even going to bring up the whole too fat to fly debacle. Even though it was an attack on Smith by the media, it was so stupid it doesn't deserve any more attention than it's already gotten. On to the important points.

Zack and Miri Make a Porno is a great flick. It's funny as Hell and very touching. But it didn't do all that well at the box office and I think it sort of broke Kevin Smith's heart. Smith's movies have almost all been low-budget, indie successes. Meaning he makes cheap (but great) movies that make way more than they cost but still don't do major blockbuster business. That's still reasonably fine since most comedies and drama's (which are the genre's that Smith works with predominately) don't really do high numbers business in terms of box office. Yet with Zack and Miri, Smith was working with Judd Apatow (40 Year-Old Virgin, Knocked Up, etc.) who has been massively successful with directing and producing Smith-like comedies that have hearts while being real/vulgar. I think he felt that this was an easy knock-out. And I truly think it would have been...except for the title. If the word PORNO hadn't been in the title of this movie, I think Zack and Miri WOULD have done Knocked Up kind of business. But the movie didn't and it was heralded as a failure and Smith took the brunt of this.

Cop Out was the first movie that Smith signed up to direct without actually having written. The script was supposedly hilarious and Bruce Willis was attached and had wanted to work with him after Live Free or Die Hard. It was a big studio picture...meaning, Willis had total control. From the word GO one can see the problems forming. You have an extremely independent director in charge of a movie with an ACTOR who can and will pull all the strings without having any sort of formally dictated control (unless there was something in Willis' contract which gave him this...which to be honest, wouldn't surprise me). Rumors of on-set fighting between Willis and Smith were abundant. Later on, once the movie was out and had promptly failed to gain an audience, Smith admitted that things were difficult on-set to say the least. I've watched Cop Out and the problem with that movie was not Smith's direction. It had a weak script with two leads that were pretty much miscast. Yet again, Smith took the blame for this failure.

Finally, this brings us to Red State. This was a passion project for Smith. It's something like a horror/drama with maybe some standard suspense-thriller thrown in for good measure. The heavy religious stuff he tackled in Dogma is here as well but with an equal measure of political commentary. It's easy to see at first glance why he couldn't find anyone to distribute it. So it was taken to the Sundance Film Festival and screened. After the screening, Smith took to the stage and bought his film from his producer instead of trying to auction it to one of the studio's. He then went on a tirade about how he was going to take the movie theater to theater and try to sell it in an almost grass movement fashion.

I don't think any of you watched that 26 minute video up above, so I won't pretend that you even watched some of it, even though I think you should.

So I'll break it down for you. Kevin Smith basically asked Hollywood to buy his movie by showing it and auctioning it off at Sundance. He then went on to almost literally tell them to fuck off, bought his own movie, and went on to explain to them how their system is broken and corrupt.

FYI, on top of being talented, Smith has huge, hairy, brass balls.

Here's the thing, I completely agree with him. The studio system IS broken. As the constant stream of remakes and sequels spewing out of Hollywood tells us, this just doesn't work anymore. You've got people working in the industry because they're related to each other with no sense of business or artistic savvy which is needed in a movie making industry, however millions if not, BILLIONS of dollars are on the line. It's an industry that runs more like a monopoly that is extremely resistant to change and almost impossible to break into. It doesn't work.

Yet while I agree with what Mr. Smith is saying I don't know if I would have done what he did and said what he said in this fashion. He's pretty much painting a target on his back and declaring that he never wants to work within the studio system again. Still, I believe in what he's trying to do. The idea of taking independent movies to the theaters yourself and helping other filmmakers do so is not only revolutionary but extraordinarily kind and generous.

That being said, this was a while back. Smith took Red State on the road and received mixed critical and commercial success. He sold it to PPV and I believe it's currently available now on DVD and probably Blu-Ray. Apparently the fall-out has been nil.

Or has it?

His next movie will reportedly be a hockey-themed comedy called Hit Somebody. Yet production hasn't started. Smith is also claiming that this will be his last directorial effort and that he will continue telling stories via his Smodcast and live shows.

This to me sounds like the talk of a man who has been beaten and broken. He's had enemies come at him from all sides and a clearly sensitive and talented man has been wounded.

It's sad because it almost seems like he's been continually punished for wanting to try and do new things. Every time he branches out, people knock him back. And I don't think Smith understands how many fans he really has or how much talent he has just in his pinky. I think he's started to believe the negativity and really let it affect him.

He shouldn't.

If I could talk to Smith right now, I'd tell him to man-up. It's time to cut back on the self-doubt and the weed and get back to basics in order to school some fool's (yeah, I went there). It's either that or go big or go home. This is a man who was once attached to direct the Green Hornet but dropped out because he didn't have enough faith in himself and his skills. With his comic love and knowledge, I think a superhero blockbuster is just waiting to come out of him (heh). Or he can get back to some good old raunchy comedy. In those terms, maybe Hit Somebody is the PERFECT movie for him. A raunchy Hockey comedy? I'm game. Sounds like FUN. Maybe Hit Somebody is the comeback movie just waiting to happen for him. Either way, don't listen to the hater's, Kevin.

No matter how Kevin Smith makes a comeback, it needs to happen. But more importantly we need to give him the chance to let it happen.

5 Best cinematic space sequences!

This is a touchy issue nowadays. For one, since the advent in technology in the last couple decades we've actually got some pretty decent space stuff via television (BSG comes to mind for one, Farscape another). But I've decided that in order to write this article properly, I had to narrow down the parameters a bit.

Movies just generally have a bigger budget and better effects. This doesn't always equate to the best or more powerful scene, however there is a certain magic that the movie theater brings that no home theater equipment can replicate. I'm sorry, it's just a fact...and it's why movie theaters should never die (article coming on that).

Regardless (I've waited weeks to use this word accordingly), I wanted to put a shout out to all the great TV space sequences that will not be included in this top five. Mostly because I think this top five covers the best of the best - and it's all cinema, baby.

All in all, when I decided I wanted to write an article on the best spaceflights and/or scenes in movies I decided first and foremost that I had to care about the actual flight before any battle that was possibly happening alongside it. There are some truly great space battles that have little movement in them. That's exciting. But it's not AS exciting as an awesome spaceflight! I'm an adrenaline junky and I love me some speed! Gotta have it baby!

Like MORE Cowbell!

True, acceleration wasn't the only factor...we also need to care about the characters in the ship and what's going on. I wanted to put down scenes that were important to the overall story and not just a fun ride, although in at least one case, the fun ride made up for the lack of characterization.

So without further adieu, I give you the best space sequences in cinematic history (notice how I've left room for myself to do a whole other article on space battles? That's just good economization, people...and yes, that's a word):



5. The Last Starfighter - The Final Battle

 

YES, the effects are outdated...but this movie paved the way for CGI as we know it today.

Beyond that, this is a great flick that I recommend to all who haven't seen it. And this sequence is part of the climax, and outdated effects or not, it's still a whole lotta fun.

The Last Starfighter will always get a 10/10 from me if only for the amazing soundtrack:

4. Star Trek III: The Search for Spock - Stealing the Enterprise

  
This is perhaps my most favorite scene in all of Trek history thus far. It's an ode to friendship. The gist is simple: Spock is alive on a planet that has been isolated by the Government. Captain Kirk and friends risk EVERYTHING to steal the Enterprise in order to go and rescue him.

BOOM!

If that's not a premise for this list I don't know what is.







3. Lost in Space - Through the Planet

If you watch the whole video above, you should know that first it's an alternate score from the actual movie (I think the movie's score is better) and that two, it has some animatics in it (pre-cgi storyboards of sorts). Not that those things really take anything away from the scene, just FYI.

But it's a great scene. You talk about action and adventure. I love this scene. So dynamic and FUN. That's what was missing with science-fiction cinema for so long (until Abrams came along) was fun! This movie and this scene is an oasis in a desert of the era of made-for-TV Sci-Fi Channel movies and such. God bless it!

2. Serenity - Leaf on the Wind

Dammit, the number TWO spot on the list and I can't even find a decent video to represent it!!!

All I can find is this shitty slow-paced introduction to the scene.

I'll lay it out for you. Serenity is a small cargo vessel. She's flying into an enemy armada. She has no weapons. 

But chasing her is a zombie-like army that flies around in massive warships.  

I smell drama. Add to that an AMAZING crew and you have interest and entertainment! 

Go buy Serenity now...and/or Firefly the Complete Series...I get royalties from Joss Whedon.

1. The Empire Strikes Back - Asteroid Field Chase

Forget the subtitles...

This is the best of the best of the best...with honors. 

The space sequence that ALL should and WILL be judged by. 

Cocky pilot, check. Damage to ship, check. Daring maneuvers, check. Witty dialogue, check. GREAT SCORE, check. Overwhelming odds, check (BTW, NEVER tell me the odds). Harrison Ford, CHECK. 

The scene speaks for itself in its perfection. You're welcome.

'Nuff said.

Judge a book by it's cover?

You should definitely NOT judge a book by it's cover.

I've been reading books at a college level since the third grade, so I can say I know a thing or two about books. And if one thing is consistent it's that the covers to books are almost always absolute shite. I've noticed that in the last few years that there has been a realization within the publishing houses that cover = marketing = selling the book so they've stepped up a bit in order to make the cover matter. But they're still light years away when compared to the movie theater equation of cool movie poster = interest in movie = ticket sales.

This is the cover to my favorite book:

Sure there's a certain mystique that's brought across here, but it undersells and cheapens the product on a whole. This is my FAVORITE book, so you have to remember that there's gotta be way more going on inside than just the eerie mood that's provided by a creature's foot in the dirt and a green sky behind a farmhouse (which is what's going on even though the perspective is clearly messed up).

So definitely don't judge a book by it's cover.

People however should be judged all the time.

WHAT!?

I know, I know, I'm gonna lose some of you here. But that's okay, we live in a very PC world with many people claiming to not be judgmental who are actually the first to judge. If you're one of those people, you'll probably tune out right about now.

The fact is that people can choose how to present themselves on a daily basis. And there's an idiom here that makes sense, "if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and looks like a duck, it's a duck".

You can apply this to a person because people almost always present themselves as some kind of something. We all desperately want to fit in even when we're trying to be unique and different. We have comfort zones that we all hold onto. Our clothes are like suits of armor that we wear to not only express ourselves but to maintain a level of comfort and protection. We wear things that suit our identities. More often than not, we slam ourselves into the category that we want to be a part of. An emo kid would not want to dress up like a cowboy, and vice-versa. A well dressed suit-loving type (yuppie) would not want to dress like a doucher (sideways hat, sports memorabilia, pink something, baggy pants or low hanging shorts with high socks and visible tats).

Only a geek would wear this shirt. Or know what it means.

So yes, to a certain extent we can judge people by how they present themselves. However, it's not just about clothes. It's simply in how someone presents themselves. How they walk, how they talk, how they act, manners, etc. Sure, now we're getting a little past the covers of the books, but not really. You can see all this in a matter of minutes, sometimes seconds.

I'm quick to criticize douchebags. Hate 'em. But I'm also quick to admit that I love them because they project themselves. By how they dress and act they show me who they are really quick so that I can therefore avoid them.

I mention how they act because they usually act like assholes. Loud and obnoxious or tough and irritable they are almost always obviously uncomfortable with who they are and where they are. Most of them have never been in a fight but some of them have been in many, yet all act like they want to fight at all times. They project this by how they treat other people and how they seem to want to be viewed by the way they posture, pose, and yes, dress. But even a stance, a gesture, the way you position your shoulders can tell other people all sorts of things about you. Especially if you're a douchebag who is clearly projecting.

 

 

 

Douchebags are probably way too easy targets because while they come in various forms they are almost all clearly trying to be something they are not. Usually it's a combination of hard and sexy or sensitive and rugged. 

I'm getting off-topic with the douchebag rant. So let's get back on track (although I smell another article coming).

In just a pose or even a verbal speech pattern one can deduce many things about you. From how you say "hi" to whether you say "hello" or "how are you?" or "how you doin'?" immediately tells us things about you. Do you look people in the eye directly? Are your shoulders hunched? Are you standing firmly in place or are you fidgeting constantly (Pretty Woman reference FTW)?

Now some of you might think that I'm over-analyzing this stuff and that nobody thinks about this when they're meeting people or even seeing people across the room.

Well:

1. I do.

2. Even if you think you don't, your brain is doing it on your behalf with or without you. Later when you have "feelings" about people it's because of the things that maybe you didn't actively notice, but your subconscious did.

Again, how you present yourself with your speech, presence, posture, attitude, clothes, demeanor...it all comes into play. A book is quiet and you have to work at it to understand its story. A person puts it all out there, Hell, even when they aren't putting it all out there, they are. People want to be related to and understood. We want other people to like us and know us. Therefore we present ourselves.

So yes, you can judge a person by their cover.

Yet, you should always stay open-minded on the off-chance your initial judgment is wrong. And that some people are so unique that they don't care what society standards are and like the Yankee's without being a total loser. Maybe they just like the color pink and are really cool?

Those people are rare. Sure, sometimes they will surprise you. But if it walks like a duck...

I am being slightly hypocritical because Beauty and the Beast IS my favorite fairy tale and Disney movie...but still...Gaston was in that movie and he's absolutely a douche from the outset. Actually, now that I think about it, Disney is really good at characterization! They take seconds to tell you what kind of a person a character is by demeanor and dress...learn from that!

Seen too many beauties with beasts to think this fairy tale ain't factual.

Ben Affleck to direct the Stand???

Deadline is reporting that Warner Bros. has signed Ben Affleck to write and direct an adaptation of Stephen King's BRILLIANT novel, the Stand.

My initial feeling is that I love this news.

But it's a little early to know for sure. I'm going to wait to hear if this get's verified by other sources before I post a huge article explaining my thoughts on both the book which I dearly love, and the idea of a major-motion picture adaptation. Largely just will all depend on how they do it, and there's really no news on what they intend to do with the project (i.e. will it be a trilogy, two movies, one movie, etc.).

So for now, I'm going to let this news sink in, see how I feel about it, and wait to see if it's real. Then I'll post some more thoughts.

Until then, I'm gonna go play some Batman: Arkham City while you get more acquainted with the Stand:

End of the world brilliance from Stephen King!

5 Awesome Robot Chicken clips!

For those who don't know, Robot Chicken is stop-motion animation show created and ran by Seth Green (who has been in tons of stuff but we'll just say he was Oz in Buffy the Vampire Slayer and leave it at that). It airs on Cartoon Network and the show basically uses action figures for the skits which hit on various areas of popular culture but specifically those that would be relevant to anyone who grew up in the 80's. The voice talent is ever-changing and you'd be surprised at the amount of famous actors and actresses who work for the show, even for the occasional cameo.

It's freaking awesome. The writing is just hilarious, and the animation makes the insanity of it all just work perfectly. Been watching it for years. And since the show has been on for a while, I decided when I sat down to right this article that I couldn't do justice to the many episodes and sketches the show has done by trying to rank them in any specific order.

So I decided this would be another recurring article where I would just post some of the best and funniest clips from the show! Yes you can clap now.

Anyhoo, on with the show:




Delicious Gummy Bears:

Why you should love this: I'm a big fan of random humor. I don't think it get's much more random than a gummy bear dancing around and getting her foot caught in a bear trap...haha.




The Darkest Sketch in History:

 Why you should love this: First off, there's the breaking of the fourth wall, tongue-in-cheek, self-aware nature of the skit on a whole. Secondly, how about the "who the Hell are you" line? OR, "Disneyland!" Comedy gold, my friends. Comedy gold. 




Voltron Get's Served:

Why you should love this: Um, Voltron? Anything with Voltron in it or referencing Voltron has got my blessing and interest. Hell, if they'd just put a Voltron action figure in the background of the Jersey Shore house/set, it'd probably be enough for me to watch. Maybe not.

Superman Loses His Powers:

Why you should love this: For the non-geeks out there, this is referencing a plot device that is used in Superman II. It's kind of a dumb gimmick and while that movie is mostly derided by movie geeks (except maybe the improved upon Donner cut), Robot Chicken takes this concept and runs with it. It actually pokes fun at something stupid from a bad movie and makes you laugh at it. Isn't that what comedy is for?




The Emperor's Phone Call:

       

Why you should love this: The Emperor mocks the Millennium Falcon (possibly the greatest science-fiction vessel of all time) by asking what the hell is an aluminum falcon...awesome. Plus there's a realism behind this sketch that is at the heart of a lot of Robot Chicken's funny bone. Vader WOULD smell terrible after flying around in his Tie fighter after such a long time. The Death Star IS essentially destroyed by a bunch of teenagers. They're poking fun and sort of asking the geeky questions we all kind of ask ourselves quietly when we're watching Star Wars or Voltron, or whatever. It's good stuff. 


So that's it for the Robot Chicken for now but I'll definitely have more later. Until then, enjoy!

Update: $1,000,000 bet...

So the movie that cost 41 MILLION to make made barely 3.5 million in it's opening weekend. It will only go downhill from here. The only types of movies that ever have bad openings but then start to make more are truly excellent films that build from word of mouth and/or award show interest.

Not only that, but the movie didn't even come close to the generous 15 million it had to in order to win the bet. Plus, it didn't finish first for it's premiere week. Not even close.

It opened at NINTH place.

Cost 41 MILLION dollars to make.

Besides just really pissing me off, it makes me sad. It makes me wonder what's happened to Steve Martin? I long for the days of Roxanne and Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. The comedic genius has left the building, and the unfunny sell-out has taken his place. I don't know who this guy is anymore. I think Bowfinger was the last good movie he made?

Anyhoo, someone in Hollywoodland owes me a cool million.

Untitled Novel excerpt 2:

In reading these novel excerpts you should know a couple things. First and foremost, the novel is unfinished and so it is still a rough draft. Secondly, my excerpts are bouncing around a little bit. For example, the first excerpt is actually something like twenty pages in, while this is somewhere around thirty or forty pages in.

Well enjoy!

Musical people you should listen to!

New geek band that I discovered is Kirby Krackle! I haven't listened to everything they have out there, but I've listened to enough to know I like them and appreciate their tastes and eccentricities. For those of you worried that I took it too far with the Protomen need not worry, Kirby is less geeky and more atypical in terms of style.

That's a lie. Kirby Krackle is definitely geekier than the Protomen, but still more stable in terms of style. So you'll probably like them, even if the references don't always hit the net (hockey reference FTW).

Let's check 'em out:

Right off the bat, the title to this song is all about a code to unlock invulnerability in the phenomenal Nintendo game Contra. Awesome.

But among the other geek slang and references: Legends of Zelda, fanboys in general, the Kingpin from the Marvel universe, Wolverine, Hall and Oates, etc.

Pretty good stuff, check more of it out:

Zombie apocalypse ftw!

I think they make well-written, good sounding music that the geek in all of us can love. Check 'em out!

Slow drivers are the worst!

I really can't stand slow drivers. I think they are obnoxious. And I'm not even talking about the idiots on their cell phones or the broads doing their make-up in the rear view mirror. That idiocy goes without saying.

No, I'm talking about the morons that drive slow for ABSOLUTELY NO REASON!

We live in truly glorious times. Seriously, we live truly the best lives that human beings have ever lived on this planet (see how I didn't rule out the possibility of human beings living elsewhere in the universe a la Star Wars?). I'm generalizing, but when it comes to this topic, you kinda have to. We have serious medical advantages and technologies that keep us alive way longer than ever before. War, famine and plague are all lower than what we're used to, especially given the population alive versus population affected. We have technology up the wazoo allowing us to enjoy knowledge that is literally at our fingertips and entertainment via television, movies, and video games that is unlike anything anyone ever could have imagined. We are connected through our technological means of communication in a way that keeps things relevant and awesome. Travel is also insanely easier for us than ever before. Sure gas costs are up, but how many people from the Wild West got to visit Paris after simply saving up some money? How many Dark Age single women got to visit more than a handful of countries without being raped or at the very least were in the business of prostitution? 

That got serious there for a second. OK, well my point is that life is hard but it used to be a HELL of a lot harder. Especially in terms of travel.

For so many centuries travel was conducted via horse. Translation: you didn't travel much and when you did you usually didn't go very far. Because while I love to go riding, it's not something you wanna do for more than a couple hours. Riding a horse can be rough, tiring, and painful. Not to mention it's not that fast when you consider my next point:

DeLorean's! Only amazing because of Doc Brown!

We have CARS!

Thanks to the internal combustion engine we have the ability to just get in and go! We can get across town in minutes. Vegas tonight? Done. New York in a couple days? Please. And the awesomest (yes, it's a word) thing about cars is that we keep making them better. Better durability, gas mileage, speed, etc.

Taking all of this in, my question is: WHY WOULD YOU EVER DRIVE SLOW.

You can haul ass, but you're driving 30 mph on the on-ramp and merging into traffic that is going 60 mph and up!

You're in the fast lane going 65 mph when it's usually safe to drive 75-80 mph! It's called the FAST LANE, get out of it if you're not going to risk driving FAST you asshat!

And the whole speed limit thing is another pile of bullshit. I mean, it's called a limit, but let's get serious, more often than not it should be considered a STARTING POINT. This is one of many cases of the Government looking out for the seriously retarded, protecting the morons from hurting themselves. So they set the limits with an eye for the dipshit with bald tires, bad vision, and utter disdain for visual awareness. Well, I'm sorry, but 45 mph might be okay for him as a LIMIT, but my limit is 60 at the most. Why do I have to suffer because he lacks a skill set (driving is absolutely a skill set that SO many of you have no proficiency in)? Why do I have to suffer because he doesn't buy new tires and take care of his car's many problems?

Especially on the freeway! I'm sorry if you're not going AT LEAST 65 mph on the freeway there is something wrong with you and yes, I will tailgate you if you're in my way. Because I drive extremely aggressively.

Which brings me to my next point:

DRIVING FAST IS FUN!

It's rewarding to get somewhere faster than the average moron. Plus, it's just fun. I hate getting stuck behind slower traffic because I enjoy driving. I like to drive and I like to drive fast. But see, I wouldn't even call it fast. I'd call it reasonable. It's not like I'm hitting the highway at 90 mph. But 75 or 80? Come on...that's just standard. And yeah, on a surface street that says the limit is 45, I'll probably at least pull 50 or 55, but I don't think that's a problem (unless I get caught by the cop that doesn't have anything better to do than make money for the city).

The problem is the jackasses that drive 30 in a 45. Or 50 on the freeway. Or 65 in the fast lane. I don't understand this. Part of me simplifies it and goes straight to the moron button. They must be stupid. They drive slow, means they are slow. I truly think there's something to that actually. But it can't be for all cases. Actually I think a lot of people are scared to drive. They've never been trained properly and they stress and worry all along the way to work as they merge into traffic (which they hate doing because they're fearful), or brake too hard and/or too often out of panic because they weren't looking ahead to see what was going on. Too many times I notice that most drivers aren't paying any attention whatsoever to what's happening a mile up the road...but that's driving, it's what you should be doing. Again, it's a skill set that hasn't been developed in enough people.

Take traffic jams in general. They aren't caused by an abundance of people on the road. They are caused by an abundance of idiots on the road who brake too early, too much, and/or too hard when usually they could have just taken their foot off the brake in order to slow down. If there is anything you take away from this article, take that piece of wisdom. You actually rarely should brake, just keep your eye on the horizon and see what's going on down there...usually all you need to do is take your foot off the gas pedal in order to slow down a bit.

And when you don't need to slow down, speed up!!!

Bet you 1,000,000...

What the giant fuck is this movie about?

It may seem like I'm on a bit of the warpath when it comes to Hollywood....well, that's gonna be a common theme. Illogical choices where millions of dollars hang in the balance is going to continually annoy me and therefore I will continue to poke, prod, and viciously attack the morons behind the problem until I am blue in the face even if nothing ever remotely becomes of my fury.

I'm stubborn, what can I say?

Regardless, what is this movie about?

I have no friggin' clue. And that's where this story starts. The poster above only serves to stoke the fire of my already flaming anger when it comes to this flick.

Why? I saw an ad for this movie early tonight. It told me four things:

1. Steve Martin is in the movie.

2. Jack Black is in the movie.

3. Owen Wilson is in the movie.

4. It comes out TOMORROW.


WHO SIGNS OFF ON THIS SHIT?

Seriously...this is what Hollywood thinks sells a movie.

And I am OUTRAGED.

I have NO idea what the movie is about and I haven't even HEARD of it until tonight (the night before it opens WAY late in the night)...AND I AM A CINEPHILE!!!

If this isn't a warning sign of complete and utter idiocy, well, I don't know what is?

People, this movie cost 41 MILLION to make.

There are people starving in the world and this piece of shit cost 41 MILLION.

No one has heard of it and no one has any idea what it's about. Yet somewhere in Hollywoodland someone thinks everything will be all right because the flick stars Steve Martin, Jack Black, and Owen Wilson.

So to totally debunk this myth and completely prove the total assbackwards way of thinking behind this so-called "business decision" I'm going to give you the plot synopsis for this gigantic steaming pile of Brachiosaurus feces...you know, the plot Hollywood clearly doesn't want you to know about:


A group of friends who are obsessed with birding set on a big year, a quest to outdo each other by finding the most species of birds in North America. Their competition is an allegory for the challenges faced in their lives.

41 MILLION for this story.

The writer is the genius behind a bunch of movies you've never heard of.

The director made Marley and Me, and the Devil Wears Prada...two movies that have no visual voice and were clearly studio projects from the word: GO. Meaning, at the virile age of 52 this guy is a YES MAN.

I could go on, but I think I've made my point.

So here's the bet, I'm betting 1 MILLION dollars that:


1. The movie doesn't break even domestically.

      - Meaning that in America it will not make 41 MILLION or more.


2. The movie doesn't even finish at first place in it's opening weekend.

3. The pile of SHIT won't make more than 15 MILLION on it's opening weekend.



THIS is why Hollywood is WRONG.

THIS is why I will continue to berate and attack them.

THIS is why the morons who run the show clearly have a rotten trust fund and do not deserve their inheritance.

THIS is why I call them stupid when they claim to be good businessmen.

FUCK YOU...

Skinny jeans are NOT cool

Today I'd like someone to explain to me where, why, when, and how skinny jeans on a guy became cool and/or sexy, attractive, interesting, a good thing?

I can only attribute it to the constant demasculinization that appears to be happening in our society. Pardon me if I stand-up and say once and for all that tight clothes on a man is not sexy and that it is feminine. Yep, that's right, I think tight clothes equals feminine. The female shape is just more pleasing in tight clothes, while the male form is not. There is nothing manly about this:

Nice heels, douchers.

Not to say that baggy clothes are the answer. Just like almost anything, the extreme's are the problem. The middle ground is always more comfortable, both figuratively and literally. Heh.

Seriously, ladies, does this do it for you:

Shit I look at that and wonder what is wrong with this generation? 


Truly, I wanna know what you guys think, so I've posted a poll on the top right portion of the page. Hit it up and let's get some info because inquiring minds want to know...even though I've already made my decision.

Killer Elite Review

Coolest fight move in the movie. Statham is about to land his chair on this guy.

I'm not going to review Killer Elite.

It's a horrible movie so let's just leave it at that. Instead, I'm going to try and figure out what went wrong or exactly why things HAD to go wrong.

You see there is actually a good movie here somewhere. For starters, about a half an hour of bullshit junk needs to be cut off the meat. But that's kid's stuff.

I'm not going to go too much into the plot because it's dumb. However, I gotta explain a bit so that I can show that there IS a story to be told here...just not this one.

Killer Elite is about a Middle Eastern Sheik who has lost three sons over the years to various SAS (English Special Forces) agents and wants revenge. So he basically blackmails an ex-operative (from where and for who, who knows) to kill off these guys so that he can hold on to some vague ridiculous claim on an oil supply...if you smell the Liberal agenda on this POS you just won the GRAND PRIZE:

Batcave T-Shirts ARE coming!

I digress.

One of the MANY failures of this movie starts with the premise and the script on a whole. Whoever in Hollywood thinks that an audience would care about some rich guy's terrorist sons and a mission to avenge their death by killing British soldiers that were following orders while in war needs to lose their job right this second.

That being said, there might have been a story here. It would have required some heavy script work, better direction, and more of an emphasis on characters rather than action, but given the cast that was assembled, I don't see a problem with this. Instead we're treated to a story we don't care about with moronic characters that are supposed to be experts in the field of espionage yet can't seem to pick up on when their being tailed or how to shoot a gun properly. Stupid.

Why did this happen?

Seriously, I'm asking, because I don't know. Hollywood constantly defends it's idiotic decisions by exclaiming that they are business men first and foremost and that everything they do and decide by is based on the bottom line, that almighty dollar.

Except they keep making HORRIBLE business decisions.

So the script for Killer Elite comes in, first thing that should be done is the damn thing needs a better title. That's Film 101. The title sucks. Next up, based on what I saw today, the script probably needed at least two re-writes. Maybe even a total overhaul from beginning to end. I'm on the record now, if that script fell on my desk as is, I wouldn't make the movie. If it was my money, or I was placed in a position of power to control other people's money. That flick doesn't get made.

Whatever. Some idiot executive pushes it through for any number of asinine reasons (maybe they've been trying to get this movie made for years and have already spent millions on re-writes...I don't know the full history, but sometimes you have to cut your losses). They attach a director. A cheap, no-name, untested director. Sometimes this can pay off, but usually it doesn't. If you have a shitty script and you attach a shitty director, you're gonna more than likely get a shitty movie.

Hollywood consistently tries to use C material + B actors + C or even D directors to achieve an A movie.

This equation DOES NOT WORK. It goes back to basic fundamentals of business. If you cut corners, you're cutting quality, if you cut quality, you cut profits. Simple as that, folks. It's really not that hard to figure out. LOGIC! Who knew!?

Where were we, oh that's right, so we have a no-name director attached. Okay, so then what, we get some talented actors. Here's where things get interesting. You have Robert DeNiro attached. Clive Owen. Jason Statham. These guys range from awesome to pretty decent both in the acting and action range.

My first question here is how did they get these guys to do this shitty movie (besides money)? Granted, Clive and Jason tend to do whatever they're offered (God knows why they're both better than half the shit they're in), while DeNiro seems to be more about a paycheck these days. But still, you got a good cast, there is the potential for a good movie, why not make one?

And my second question is why didn't anyone demand a re-write once the talent that was being arranged started looking so good?

It's another one of those old Hollywood equations that DOES NOT WORK. Just attach a big name to a project and it will sell...except it doesn't. Maybe back in the 70's, but today's audiences aren't fooled by big names anymore. They've seen too many of their favorite actors star in horrible pieces of shit that they've had to shell out way too much money over.

Check this list out, please...

Why are you looking at the all-time domestic box office results? Take a good look at how many of those movies on that list were sold because of an actor that starred in the movie?

Most of them if not all don't have any big names in them. Or at least, no one that was big at the time they were released. The vast majority of those movies are not "star vehicles". For many, the actors were almost entirely unknown at the release date.

Think about that and let it sink in.

This one truth shines a GINORMOUS (gigantic-enormous, thank you very much) light on the failure of Hollywood's thinking and operation. It should be a slap in the face. They'll throw money at a waste of a project like Abduction because it stars Taylor Lautner when they fail to grasp why something is popular. The Twilight franchise is not popular because of any one actor. For whatever reason, it speaks to people (mostly immature girls, but it speaks to people). Taylor Lautner is a SMALL part of that. The same could be said for almost any of those movies. Avatar was NOT a hit because of Sam Worthington or Zoe Saldana (two names we only know now BECAUSE of Avatar), yet Hollywood keeps trying to shove both of them down our throats. Titanic made Leonardo DiCaprio famous, not the other way around. Do you see what I'm saying here?

The business model is flawed and it has been for so many years. And yet, the executives of Hollywood keep throwing money away on wasted projects and call themselves businessmen.

Ultimately, it just continues to PISS me off. You have a movie like Killer Elite that is equatable to the poor step-son. It's got some really good qualities going for it. Maybe that's an overstatement. Okay, it's got some really strong potential. But it's neglected. Some idiot seems to think that if they just throw money at it, everything will be fine because it's got Robert DeNiro in it. That is not the way it works. And it's sad, because with a little effort, attention to detail, and slightly higher quality of talent there actually could have been a good movie here that would have made some killer profit. Heh.

Protomen Update...

So we all know my obsession with the Protomen. Via Facebook and the Cave, I'm clearly having a man-crush when it comes to the men who call themselves Proto.

But there is something I fear I have not introduced. A lack of knowledge that will leave you in the dark. Upon listening to their albums many times one realizes that you can possibly miss out on the entirety of the story. From what I've learned the live show leaves no stone unturned. But without the live show, I've found another way to enjoy them. The following website has all of the lyrics and subtext posted so that you don't miss a thing when it comes to the story:

Listen to the saga as you read!

Just click through in order is my only advice!

5 Best College Humor Sketch Clips

College Humor is a website I've implored you to look at before. They post tons of funny clips, but IMO some of their funniest stuff is the sketch videos they produce. There are so many good ones it's insane. So I'm going to do my best to narrow it down to the five best picks. Starting with five, here we go:



5. The Tetris God






Who HASN'T played Tetris and felt like there was some weird cybernetic God controlling everything, punishing us and utilizing ONLY the tools we needed once we couldn't use them.

Eh, kind of like real life, no?





4. Zordon is a Racist






I'm going to have to right an article about my undying love for the Power Rangers. Yes, I just said that. But that's neither here nor there. This is a video that hits on something we all were thinking growing up...Still have a thing for the Pink Ranger. And yes, I own the movie.





3. Internet Bridge Troll






This video is so goddamn funny for so many reasons. Well acted? Yes. Good characterization? Yes. Culturally relevant? Yes. Absurd comedy? Yes. Cute chick (she's a comedian in many CH videos and I think she's CUTE)? Yes. Ethnic humor fun? Yes! Plus, the troll is hilarious. Hitler's DICK!






2. 2012 Orgy!





So out of left field and yet so appropriate and made of comedy GOLD. This is an example of the obnoxiousness and insanity that nearing December 2012 will bring. I wouldn't be surprised if more than a few hundred thousand guys tried to pull off something like this. 





1. Xbox Girls Get Revenge





So true. And isn't this the kind of comedy theme that keeps hitting us the hardest? Truth IS comedy. Men immediately assume some horrible things and turn into a parody of themselves when they play with girls on-line (yes, they do exist, do you see what you did there?) that when you flip the paradigm on it's head and serve it right back to the man it's nothing but potential funny bone material. This one is so funny it got a sequel:






Well, that's all folks, except ONE honorable mention:





What I love about this one is how much it pins down Tim Burton. Love Tim Burton but there's something to this. Boom.


All this withstanding, it isn't even factoring in the funny videos on a the N00b boyfriend, Every Week on Entourage, Batman Vanishing, Realistic Sex Scene, GoldenEye Standoff, Ambiguous Endings Resolved, and many, many more. Seriously, check 'em out people.

If you didn't cry when E.T. ended you have no soul!

I have a perfect litmus test when it comes to telling if someone has a heart or depth of spirit that cannot be defined other than by saying they have a part of the best things that make up a human being.

Between the character connections that are made throughout the movie to the wondrous, amazing symphony music that John Williams creates with his score, to the simple dialogue that is spoken at the end of the film E.T. there is a phenomenal, heart breaking sequence that speaks to all of us on levels that range from the primordial to the fantastical.

If you didn't cry the first time you watched this movie, you have no soul.

It's as simple as that, folks.

Truth be told, I cry every time I watch this flick. There's just something behind both friends wanting each other to come with or stay that hits hard. But then the nail is slammed down when E.T. utters the line, "I'll be right HERE."

Ah, Christ, I'm getting blubbery just thinking about it.

Why I won't buy Star Wars on Blu-Ray:

Star Wars has been out on Blu-Ray for a couple weeks now so this might be a little late, but hey, better late than never is what I always say...actually I don't think I've ever said that (I'm usually never late).

On with the show...for those who don't know, I'm a MASSIVE Star Wars geek. However, I'm going to throw it out there that I do not acknowledge the Prequels (that is Episodes I-III, or in non-geek terms, the newest movies). They do not exist in this dojo. They are not canon. They are dead to me. Etc.

Ugh...garbage.

It took a while to come to this conclusion, but at the end of the day the reason is that they are ultimately just VERY bad movies and what is in my head is a thousand times better than what exists, therefore I rescind my invitation for them to exist in my world. I'm not going to get into the details here because that's not what this article is about. Maybe some other time...leave it, Lucas fan!

Despite my distaste for the most recent Star Wars "adventures", I would absolutely love to own the Original Trilogy (that is Episodes IV-VI, or in non-geek terms, the old ones) on Blu-Ray. However, they are not available.

WHAT!?

Only the Special Editions are available on the Blu-Ray...NOT the theatrical original releases.

Let me 'splain...no, it's too much. Let me sum up. Basically George Lucas has been modifying, changing, and altering the Original Trilogy since the mid-eighties. Some changes were small, like modifications to the opening crawl titles, or updating some of the lightsaber graphics and coloring. A lot of these changes aren't a big deal. However, starting in 1997 with the release of what Lucas calls the Special Editions, some of the changes have been big alterations that re-define characters and/or ways that the audience see's a character or feels the emotional impact of a scene.

One example would be that in the original Star Wars (A New Hope) there is the scene where Han Solo is cornered by a bounty hunter in a cantina. In the original version the bounty hunter makes it clear he's going to take Solo out if he has to. Without so much as getting up from his seat, or even pulling his blaster out in front of everybody he just blasts the guy from underneath the table. It's awesome. It's character defining and it also says a lot about Han early in the film which goes to show how much he changes by the ending.

For the Special Edition, Lucas has Greedo (the bounty hunter) shoot a split second before Han does. Using CGI, Lucas moves Han's head slightly to make it look like he's dodged the laser bolt. To this day it looks terrible and it's a perfect example of how many of the changes done to these movies aren't even remotely for the better. I won't bother speculating on why this was done because it doesn't matter (even though I know why Lucas SAYS he did it). No reasoning on Earth makes this jarring atrocity a good change, so we won't waste any time on it. My blog and I cry if I want to.

What's hard to track here is that Lucas keeps updating the movies so that the Special Editions are constantly evolving. So while the 'Greedo shoots first' change happened in 1997, the next example is a very recent change that was done in 2011 yet all versions of the Original Trilogy are now called the Special Editions. Lucas stubbornly refuses to release the theatrical versions in any updated media format other than VHS.

Everyone has probably heard the outpouring of geek rage over this and probably seen a segment on the news over it. Of course, it's the one, the only:

 

You knew it was coming. 

I know there are many of you who probably don't understand why this is such a big deal. I'm sure you were scratching your heads and collectively deciding that the news shouldn't cover something this trivial.

 Well, let me explain why this is a big deal. This is another character defining moment. Darth Vader was once Anakin Skywalker, a Jedi Knight. He is now Darth Vader, a freak of nature and more machine than man. He's been corrupted and has turned to the dark side of the Force. He's done unspeakable things in the name of the Emperor and the Empire itself. Now he's watching as his Master is killing his son. In the original there is something magical and subtle about the way Vader keeps looking at his Luke in pain and then turning to the Emperor. You don't KNOW what he's going to do. You start wondering what he's thinking. You imagine what he's thinking.

Having him say, "No...nooooooooooooooo!" ruins the magic. Plus it kills the AWESOME music cue that hits right when he starts to pick up the Emperor.

Let's compare now with the original sequence:

 

This is why people get so mad at George Lucas. He takes something that is perfectly fine, even great and ruins it. This is why we can't have nice things, people. George Lucas. I jest.

But seriously!

Ultimately this newest change comes with a whole slew of needless, garbage-like changes that are added to the ever adapting versions known as the Special Editions. Lucas can't stop tweaking with these movies. He almost can't move on. It's very sad.

He claims that they're his movies and he can do whatever he wants. Well here's the thing. He only directed A New Hope. The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi were directed by other (better) men. So are they really his? Not to mention, once something has been put out there is it really yours? I've always thought that when you sell something it's not yours anymore. You sell a painting you made, it's not yours anymore. You sell a novel you wrote, it's not yours anymore. You sell a movie to the world that becomes beloved by billions for generations upon generations...it's not yours anymore. It's everyone's. So I'm sorry, Mr. Lucas, this "excuse" doesn't hold water for me.

Whatever his reasons here's the irony. I was actually planning on PROBABLY buying the Original Trilogy on Blu-Ray even though I knew it was only going to be those horrible 1997 Special Editions. Greedo shooting first and all! However, I had a feeling he'd do some new tweaks...figured some would be good (updated lightsaber effects) but most would be bad...yet I didn't know they'd be as bad as they turned out to be. Because the whole Darth Vader screaming thing in ROTJ (time to learn your Star Wars geek-speak: ANH = A New Hope, ESB = the Empire Strikes Back, ROTJ = Return of the Jedi) is just the tip of the iceberg.

So that was it for me. I felt like I was pushed too far. Like a battered housewife who finally got hit one too many times. I think that says a mighty lot. I would've taken the Special Editions even though most of the changes drive me up the wall. But this was just too much. So much in fact that it has pushed me into the camp of only wanting the theatrical editions.

Meaning that even though I like some of the changes (i.e. CGI effects), I'd rather some of the effects look like the outdated sort and get what I got and fell in love with oh so long ago (we don't need to cover dates here) than more and more character defining moments being sullied by ignorance and arrogance.

I own the Original Trilogy (or OT in geek terms) on DVD. Sure it's the shitty 1997 Special Editions, but at least it's not the shittier 2011 Special Editions. And that will be good enough for the rest of my life if need be. I will not be buying the OT on any other format until I get the theatrical editions.

And neither should you.

Boom!

 

 

 

 

PS: You want to know more about why the Prequel Trilogy (PT people, get with it) sucks, I implore you to watch redlettermedia.com's in-depth Prequel Trilogy reviews. Starting with the Phantom Menace:

Cat's SUCK!

In yet another continuing article series, I will be attempting to explain to you why cats suck and as a side-note why they are also probably not of this Earth.

Sure, when I was a toddler I had a nasty incident with a cat that almost cost me an eyeball, but that's irrelevant! The facts will stand on their own. You will see, oh yes, you will see.

Cats totally suck.


They use their own saliva to clean themselves.

This is totally gross. I mean, do I really need to go any further on this one? Think about it for a minute. Gross. Their fur is literally covered in bacteria and general funkdified nastiness.



They hate water.

File this one under the whole probably alien category. I mean cats don't even drink water, do they? I know they do, but don't they prefer milk? That's just weird. Do they not need water to survive? Forget giving them a bath, what's with their paranoid fear of water? What are they hiding, and more importantly what does this say about them and a possible weakness?



They inspire a bizarre-level of worship. 

Crazy cat ladies.

I could literally stop right there. But I won't.

ANYTHING that inspires this level of devotion immediately disturbs and turns me off. You can literally find costumes on the internet inspired by crazy old cat ladies. Cats = insanity is the message I see here.



They are surrounded with superstitions.

I can't think of one other animal on the planet that has more mysticism, paranormal references, and superstitions attached to their being than cats. Nothing good can come of it. There is something to be said of the Old World and what they were afraid of. Clearly, to the minds of the Ancients, cats were otherworldly. Perhaps from another planet? You see where I went with that?



As time progresses more evidence will be presented on this case. Until then, stay away from the feline's and always keep watching...looking to the stars (for when their masters return)!

Cat's SUCK!

Definitely not from the Milky Way...

Moneyball Review

 

Moneyball is supposedly based on a true story. Well, I did a bit of research (mostly because I'm anal and like to do research) and come to find out that almost everything in the movie is practically true which makes it a rarity within the hallowed halls of cinema. Most movies based on true stories really aren't. It's a great romantic subtitle to attach to your flick in order to gain some credibility and make the story more appealing. While everything isn't kosher, there's a lot here that actually happened.

That's pretty cool. Because some really cool stuff happens in the film.

If you don't know, Moneyball is the story of how a winning system of scouting players on a budget was developed by throwing out the old rules and the statistics that had mattered for almost a hundred years. It's a story of bucking the system not only because you have to (manager Billy Bean had a small budget to work with, especially when compared to rich teams like Hell's own New York Yankees) but because maybe the old system doesn't work, or maybe it's just time to try something new. The basic concept is to throw out all the stats that have nothing to do with simply getting on base and only pay attention to stats that ultimately show a player's ability for getting on base. You get players on base, you load bases, you earn runs and you win with runs. Interesting in theory and the idea has it's opponents as well as proponents.

All I'll say on the matter is that the Boston Red Sox broke their curse and won the World Series by using this method.

On a whole the movie is pretty enjoyable. There are some pace issues and I think some of the running time could have been cut a bit down, but that's not the real problem. The main (and to me only) problem with Moneyball is how little time we get to spend with the team. Most of the movie spends it's time telling us how the system will work and why it will work and which players will make it work. It keeps throwing the same information at us. That's all great, but that should be twenty minutes of set-up. We only slightly get to see it work and we never really get to know the team that is making it work. And that's the problem. Almost no time whatsoever is dedicated to getting to know the characters of the players, of the team. A stronger emotional connection was needed. Sure we care what happens or if the A's win or lose but only because we care what happens to Pitt's character. I would've cared even more if I had gotten to know the player's better and spent more time with them on the field. We could have taken fifteen minutes out of Pitt's screen time in order to make a stronger movie, a far more well rounded story.

I don't know, maybe having the movie focus on Bean was the wrong direction to take. Maybe they should have just focused on the team and used the Moneyball system as a backdrop to tell a great baseball story? Well that's all hypothetical so I won't get into that. The movie is what it is, a good story that was set-up as a Brad Pitt vehicle.

Throughout his career many people have pointed out the many similarities between Brad Pitt and Robert Redford. I don't think that Pitt has channeled Redford more in any other film than here. And that's not a bad thing. I love Robert Redford as an actor, and I know Pitt himself holds the man in high regard. It's just interesting to see Pitt play a very Redford-like character in a Redford-like movie. He's done it before, but this just had a certain mark on it.

Meanwhile Jonah Hill continues to prove that he's got more than just good comedic timing. I think it shows an amazing amount of bravery that he even auditioned for this role let alone signed on the dotted line and went toe to toe (acting wise) with Pitt. Here is some risk taking that I like while his buddy Seth Rogen over on my 50/50 review keeps doing the same thing. Never would have thought Hill would prove to be the more promising of the two. Huh...can't call 'em all...and still hoping Rogen will surprise me.

Overall, Moneyball has got a truly great premise and a great cast. It's a well made movie. It's just missing a bit of heart.


7 / 10